I hate multiple sclerosis. I hate myself for getting it even more.
I really don’t hate myself I just get so mad sometimes. I just don’t know who to be mad at.
So who’s to blame?
I guess no one.
Since I really have no one to point my anger towards, sometimes I just internalize the resentment. I try to stay positive but it doesn’t always work. Everyday at some point, doubt creeps into my mind about my ability to maintain this battle against the catastrophic effects of MS. It causes everything to be put on hold and defers episodes of my life. MS is constantly evolving; sometimes everything is okay and the next day a crisis occurs. It’s like a dark cloud continuously hanging over my head causing me to repeatedly look for a break in the storm.
Everyday I dream of a silver lining that will nudge me forward when it seems that all hope is gone. Those rays of sunshine that help me make it through the day. And just when I am about to give up, it reveals itself. Sometimes it isn’t obvious and I may miss it at first, but once I open myself up to receive it and pay attention…BAM! There it is!
It might be a call from a friend or a message from a stranger on the Internet. Sometimes it’s the FedEx guy delivering a package and asking me how’s my week going. The other day I was feeling tired and weak then I remembered it was my mother’s birthday and I temporarily felt better.
I have never won the lottery but these rays of sunshine that I receive everyday are at least a small blissful equivalent. I believe something positive always appears after something negative has happened. So whenever I’m down because of a symptom I try to look for the positive that I know is coming.