“Pressure can burst a pipe or make a diamond. Your choice.” ~ Terry Clark

I’m way too young to feel this old. Inhaling uncertainty. Exhaling all my confidence. Mouth full of pills. Spending more time in bed than mingling with friends. Paralyzed by my thoughts.

Plastic soul physicians telling me it’s all in my head. I started to believe them until one day I passed out. The devil punched me in my face and told me I was going to lose. Touched my eyes, back and spine. Take these deficiencies and go make a life.

I’ve been trying to be happy ever since. But obstacles always seem to get in the way.

My brain lets me down dozens of times per day. Memory so bad. People I’ve met before get a second chance at a first impression. No retention for names and faces. Trying to remember someone by looking into their eyes. While time collapses all around me.

Pain swirling in my head. Worrying until my mind aches. Throbbing so loud. I can’t hear any of my thoughts.

But I can still hear all my doubts. As clear as day. Sometimes worse at bedtime. Even when I sleep. A nocturnal nightmare creeping in on me.

Most evenings I stare at the ceiling. Reviewing my day. Recalling all my mistakes. Reliving all my missteps. Hanging on to bad memories. It’s so much pressure. It can be overwhelming. Keeping me awake.

People suggested I take another melatonin. I started popping them nightly. And still every few minutes I find myself peeking at the hourglass on my nightstand.

When I finally fall asleep. Terrifying feelings follow me into my dreams. All night, I run around in my mind trying to escape those delusions. So much of that time is occupied by sadness. An overload of heartache.

But despite all those impediments, I still have kindness towards others, gratitude for life and a willingness to try new things. I will never give up because I have an addiction to happiness.

Mama told me, “Pressure can burst a pipe or make a diamond. Your choice.”

So, I choose to be a diamond. I’m a diamond girl.