“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I visit my occupational therapist (OT) weekly. She’s there to help me develop skills that will enable me to work or simply complete my activities of daily living, such as dressing and grooming. At this point we have become moderately acquainted with each other. I am a fairly outgoing person, when in the mood, and this is the part of me that she sees the most. We were talking the other day and I mentioned that I cry quite a lot.
“What!” She exclaimed. She seemed astounded.
It was nice to hear that she had a completely different perspective of me, one that seems to be closer to the original Nicole.
I like people to know that I do have a life outside of MS. I started this blog in order to highlight and find out whom that person was. It seems like somehow along the way I’ve steered off-road. I’m embarrassed to admit how much time I spend dwelling on things I can no longer do. Or how often I still cry alone.
But apparently, according to my OT, not enough to tear apart my intact personality. So my new goal is to keep that part of me alive and well.
Crying is ok. Sometimes when I cry it helps me. Sometimes it just has to come out. It is bad to hold a lot in. I always think of it as having a zit (yes, I know kind of gross), but when you have one big, painful and full of pus, you have to let it out. It is no good to have it like that and it kind of feels a bit satisfying right after you squeeze it, doesn’t it? Yes, I know they tell you not to squeeze your pimples and all. To me, crying is like that. Sadness might be brewing in me, it gets too overwhelming and ready to come out, but I hold it in too much and it becomes one nasty, ugly zit ready to pop. Very bad feeling! When you let yourself cry, you let it out. It has to go somewhere. So it is ok to cry once in a while.
Happy Birthday Nicole!
I have to admit, I deal with my frustrations over things lost to MS and other diseases in my household by screaming at the top of my lungs while nobody is around and I am driving. We all need a release valve, and frequently it is something most wouldn’t expect because we never show them that side of our existence.
Geof, Thanks for the Bwish
I see your point. It’s my valve.
Nicole, crying is okay. In our healing process, we need to be allowed expression of our feelings, including crying. Dr. Bernie Siegel, in his book Peace, Love, and Healing, says “…a healed life need not exclude the so-called negative emotions. [They] have their place so long as [they’re] freely and safely expressed rather than hold inside … It is important to express all your feelings, including the unpleasant ones, because once they’re out they lose their power over you.” So, yes, crying does not represent the whole you, but it represents “a ‘live’ message” your body needs to hear in order to release the emotions and heal. Love the quote, by the way.
Judy, thanks. I will have to look that book up.
Everyday I awake and think what sort of day is it going to be today.
People say “you look so well” they don’t see what is going on inside!
I try to be positive, laugh and smile in all the right places, as Nicole obviously does.
The answer is try and carry on as best you can!
Beverly, I think that’s the answer too.
Hi Nicole,
It was so nice to read that you were reminded that others do not see you in the same way you often do and that you were reminded there is more to you than this disgusting disease. We all need that reminder sometimes. I hope that subtle reminder will push you further. I know my reminders always seem to come when I need them. God truly knows when they need to happen 🙂
Laurie, oh I wish I knew what he knows!
MS gate crashed my life 13 years ago and during that time in private I have cried a lot over the things I have lost… But I get told by people I am a very positive person… I am a stubborn creature and I fight and strive to hang on to things so I allow my tears to flow and I do not see it as a weakness, but a release of my anger and frustrstion.
Gilli, that’s a nice way to look at things especially frustration.
Nicole, I was seeing an occupational therapist who specialized in myofascial release…which is what I was told I needed to deal with the scoliosis now presenting in my lumbar region. She encouraged me to see a neurologist she worked with, but I explained that I am in secondary progressive MS and there was really nthing the neurologist could really do to help me as the drugs are only recommended for RRMS. After six sessions, I was walking much worse, and decided to stop, since I didn’t want to completely lose the ability to leave the house . I am getting more disabled as time goes on and I certainly appreciate your sadness…what I do when I am by myself is to think about what has worked and what has not. I, too, have a wonderful husband who uses his sense of humor to move me on mentally with laughter. The other day we were driving home when he said he didn’t know what he would do if he had MS and had to deal with my challenges…he said he would kill himself. I responded by asking him if he was suggesting that to me. He paused with a hurt look on his face…and responded that he would never put that in writing…or email it. We looked at each other started laughing the rest of the way home. Later, he said he just couldn’t be as strong as me or keep such a good attitude as I do. I tried to explain that I am not strong or brave or have any special powers…I just have a disease that I had nothing to do with getting. I just go on living. I want to add that I have had the priviledge of joining an MS study with Dr. Damadian and Dr. Rosa…which gave me my eyesight back as well as some other abilities. I am following a stem cell study being done by Dr. Doug Broeska (Regenetek) in Canada. He has had enormous success so far with his patients. I encourage others to follow what he is doing on facebook. So far, all of the participating patients have shown remarkable improvement…all have continued to improve… none have regressed and none have needed a second infusion of stem cells. I have so much hope.
Stem cell therapy really appeals to me. Thanks for your post.