Throughout our lives we all have experienced some of the best and worst in human nature. I never guessed that I would witness the worst in you. All relationships have ups and downs but you seemed to only want to experience the ups.
When things were going well I could not have asked for a better friend and I want to thank you for all the good times. And because of that I thought you were the best person in my life to help me through any tribulations that would come my way. But as soon as the first problem appeared you were gone. At first you checked out mentally. Then soon after you began to disappear physically. I thought our relationship was forever and you must have thought it was until it got inconvenient.
When I told you I was in pain you said it was in my head. When I could no longer dance you danced with someone else. When I asked for your help you were always too busy. I handed you the keys to my kingdom and you destroyed everything inside. Including my love, my hope and worst of all my trust.
I know it’s hard for people who don’t physically live with a chronic illness to understand what the loss of control feels like, but man whatever happened to empathy? You actually treated your dog better than me.
And what hurt the most were all the condescending comments like, “All you do is lay around” and “Don’t be so lazy”. I think your favorite was, “Come on, it can’t be that bad”.
Why would I fake symptoms?
When I pointed out how you were treating me, you of course blamed me for the way you acted. You actually made me feel bad for having a disease.
But guess what? I forgive you. That’s right, I forgive you!
Even though you probably think you did nothing wrong.
I still forgive you.
Bravo Nicole! I just stumbled across this blog. This article on “Fair-Weather Friend” perfectly describes MY situation/separation from someone who I considered a friend for life. My ride or die friend. This friend was there with me when I was diagnosed. They vowed to always be by side. I know things and people change, but it sure did sound good at that moment.
I was able to continue at my normal fast and crazy pace for nearly 5 years after my diagnosis. I ignored periodic brain fog, voice, gait, vision and tremor issues. I was in denial and made excuses for everything. I refused to believe that I really had MS.
When I could no longer ignore the symptoms I was forced to adjust my lifestyle. My “friend” pulled away when the symptoms began to take a more obvious and continuous toll (drastic weight loss, falling and FATIGUE) on my body. They even made mean spirited comments about my “frail body”.
Conversations dwindled from several times per day to once per month. Then, one day they called and mentioned a photo of me posted on Facebook by a relative. They said, “You look tired and very small.” After some conversation I invited them to join me for lunch. I was shocked and hurt with the answer. “No, I think we should limit our interaction to phone calls.” They didn’t want to be seen with this weak and sickly looking person. I blocked all forms of communication on the next day (8 months ago) and have not spoken to them.
By the Grace of God I was able to forgive that person. Forgiveness was the only way for me to heal, move forward and LIVE! Otherwise, I would harbor resentment, anger, disgust, bitterness, etc. That is a total waste of my precious energy and time.
When memories of the person come to mind today I make a very deliberate decision to think about something else. Practice has made it easier to do. It doesn’t mean that I will forget how I felt or that I will welcome them into my life again. I am only sharing this today to echo your comments and also encourage others to forgive. Do It For You!
Nicole, I am really enjoying your articles! Very nice job!!!
And, thanks for stopping by.
Nicole I came across this post in a way that can only be understood as there are no coincidences in this world. I was searching through images on google of “fair weathered friends” and opened up the picture you have at the top of the t-shirt that says insert knife. I was originally looking for something to send to my ex husband, who has been letting me down again. I must firstly confess I do not have ms, but chronic pain from irreversible nerve damage from a car accident.
When I read what you wrote I cried for quite a while. It has taken me a long time and a long road to get to forgiveness with many. One of the lines that struck me was “Why would I fake symptoms?” Suffering from PTSD and Chronic Fatigue was harder than the physical damage, because without a symptom they could visually see – people were much less tolerant to understanding my changing or cancelling appointments, or just plainly not fulfilling what “their” expectations were for me. I must be using this as an excuse for attention, and a way to avoid useful employment. Nevermind the suspicious looks every time I try to fill a prescription – written through a carefully licensed and knowledgeable Chronic Pain Clinic. I have been perceived as a drug abuser by many, when in actuality I could only wish it touched the pain. I have never had any type of euphoric reaction from any medication because the pain is too high for the chemicals.
My husband was the last to leave, after all of our friends had stopped any correspondence with me. After 12 years of marriage that was the one that hurt the most. Especially when he remarried two months later within that circle of friends.
But living with hate is only feeding my body full of negative emotions, that I will carry around – not them. They aren’t using up their day thinking of me, or losing any sleep either. The way I choose to live my life is the only choice I have. I chose to wish my ex husband well, and we are friends. I still let him know when he is letting me down by dropping the ball on his end of that friendship, because its been one that he has to work at(it took him a long time to believe that I didn’t want to take him to court and kill him and the friendship was genuine)
I still have to work on some of my older closest friends who just walked away because it was easier. But I wanted to thank you for the brightness your post brought me today, in making me feel less alone.
Amy, sounds like a tough break. You are welcome here anytime. I publish new posts on Tuesdays and would love for you to join us.
Omg woman how much more of a doormat can you be?? Your husband is an asshat and YOU are disabled and need money. Have some self esteem and make that bastard pay and take the house and anything you can legally. Being a doormat is what got you to this point and youre still going to do it? Sad.
Nicole,
Must have been fate me finding your site today .-;;;))) When I can, I will get involved, things are just a bit dark for me now. !!!
Cheers Marie B.
Thank you for your work,
How do you reach the forgiving bit? I’m struggling to get there… it’s easier with the people that don’t matter…
Babette, It’s not easy or quick. I slowly realize they are the one with a problem not me. Thanks for reading.
The worst I heard from someone who was supposed to be a friend was, If you tried harder, you would do better.” People need to be careful what they do and say. It has been said, “Be careful how you treat a human being.” For whatever you send out, it will eventually come back at you. Guaranteed!
So sorry that you had such an experience. Not all folks are like that. Hope you meet some really honest and neat people who will stand with you and even make you laugh – a lot. Best to you.
Regina, Thanks. Yeah the majority of my friends are true.
I’ve certainly had this happen to me post-diagnosis. Sometimes when I see someone I’ve known for years comment on my disability, and I think, well it’s never been a secret that I have MS, why are you just now responding to it?
I have three friends I can think of who just couldn’t deal with it. Some people just can’t.
Roberta, Three is good. But yeah some people just can’t deal with it.
Nicole, I read all your posts but wow, this one really hit home. Reading your story and the responses just makes me so sad and I wonder what is wrong with people. I am very thankful that I’ve not had to deal with this since being diagnosed, and probably because I am very guarded about my MS. I only discuss it with my family members. I had to tell my former boss because I had my initial exacerbation at work. She thought she would be cute and violate all kinds of HIPAA laws by telling my co-workers and my current boss about my MS without my permission, but I’m dealing with it. Karma has a way of leveling things out. 🙂
I had someone who I thought was my best friend years ago (pre-MS). She was like the sister I never had and we did everything together. Then, my divorce happened and she did that thing that some friends do where she chose sides, and needless to say I was the loser. I honestly never got over that hurt and just don’t allow anyone to get that close anymore, it’s just easier that way and I’m not disappointed.
Debby, Thanks for reading faithfully. Sounds like you’re in a self preservation mode.
Just learn the lesson and keep on moving! I’m no expert, but I’m letting somebody else take away my joy.
Nicol;e, I can’t say that I’ve heard such cruel words. I do however, know the disappearing act well. I don’t think it’s intentioal; I’m just so darned incovenient! The questions I would most like to hear are “What does it feel like?”, ” What frustrates you?” and “What do you miss the most?” There are plural answers to those questions, so I would have to answer, “ONE of the things…”
Micelle, Thanks for sharing with me. I’m glad you’ve haven’t felt this though!
Wow! I can’t even imagine these kind of responses from my family and friends. If someone said something like that to me, they would not be considered my friend. I’d rather have no friends than listen to some imbicile talk that way. Love me, love my MS. It’s who I am now & if you don’t like it or can’t accept it, move on! I like to think that people who react negatively to anothers illness have never had to deal with an illness in their family or to a loved one.
Kim, I agree!
I’m so sorry you’ve had do deal w his–I’ve had MS for 20 yrs. and now have other chronic illnesses also. You learn who your real friends are, that’s for sure. I’ve been supported by some whom I expected would provide support and also let down by some of them; the thing that has blessed me so much is finding support in unexpected places and from people whom I actually thought wouldn’t be supportive at all.
Oh yeah, I know this one well! I was told once, after mentioning I wasn’t sure I was feeling well enough to make an event, “Whatever. You never show up to anything anyway.” This was someone whom I considered a very close friend, whom I’d known since middle school. Once I recovered from the outrage, I decided to just cut things off. He apologized a few hours later, but the damage was done. I had felt for a long time that the friendship was me giving and giving while he took without reciprocation, anyhow. I hate to sound bitter, but I’ve always believed that the first thought you voice is usually the true one. In the end, it was more trouble than it was worth to me.
I’ve also seen the side where people just disappear. What I’ve found is that it’s mostly out of self-preservation. MS can present us with an image we don’t want to see. We know it could be us too at any time. Very few people want to face the possibility of worst case scenario. I don’t necessarily forgive, but I do just wipe the slate clean and go on with my life. Not forgiving doesn’t mean I’ll continue to dwell, it just means I’m going to move on and do what I have to do. Just as they did. So sorry you had to go through this. *hug*
Jenn, I totally agree.
I am so sorry to hear this happened to you Nicole. By writing this you are showing the dark side to “caregiving”, the side that people would rather not talk about and I commend you for that. For the few who stay, there are many who do not.
I am really enjoying your blog and your writing.
Sarah, Thanks for reading the good and bad.
Oh, my heart hurts after reading this. I am sorry that you were treated so poorly. Life can be so cruel sometimes. I wish you the very best.
Jaymie, Thanks for your concern.
I like the “It’s all in your head” bit. I always respond “You’re mostly right. It’s also on/in my spine and the rest of my nervous system. Now how does this fact change anything?”
For a while I wished people close to me could understand. Then I realized the only way they could would be to live it, and why would I wish this upon those about whom I care? No, the only people I might wish this upon are people for whom I don’t care. If I really don’t care about them, why bother to wish ill for them?
No, I’ve come back to the ultimately I am as alone in my experiences as I am in my dreams. Sometimes I am lucky enough to find someone to share parts, and they are the better for having been shared. What more could I really want?
well lived, You can always share here.
Funny to read that comment here, the day after I alienated my mom of all people to the point where she said she feels like she doesn’t have a son anymore. Of course, this was only partly my MS and the task sharing I have to have with my wife so we can continue to take care of our special needs children. I simply can not track 2 schedules. I keep my work schedule with a few hundred tasks for our staff of 7 on a 5 year project, and I trust my wife to keep the family schedule with vacations, doctors’ appointments, etc… My mother will never see this as one of the choices forced by my MS, and as I said above I’m not sure I would want her to know how hard a time I have with just my end.
To her mind, even when I explain that I can’t “take charge” of the home schedule too for the purpose of insisting on what she wants, I am inflexible about changing plans. Fair enough, I am, and we are. The task sharing only works if after explanation of needs and desires, both back the others’ efforts as the best that can be done right now.
I’m just sad when the number of those who think they are in the “we” grows smaller. Our family changes directions like a cruise liner. That is, we change directions slightly faster than an unpulled glacier.
well lived, Sounds tough. As for your mother, I know you know we can’t make everyone understand or even happy. Most likely you’ll find your CORE “we folks.
Lost my ex fiancée and most all my friends. I can totally relate. Where can I get that shirt?!?
Terry, I find that the ones who truly loved me before MS are still here.
People can be so cruel. My mother actually said “why can’t they just remove the scars?”. Geeze, do some research so I don’t have to try to explain everything again. I’m fortunate to have a wonderful husband that says he will always be here for me. He has severe PTSD from the gulf war so we lean on each other. I think Anette Funichello’s husband is a true hero. He was by her side all the way and she had such horrible disability the last 5 years. He took care of her. That is a great man and what a true marriage under God is about in my opinion. Sorry to those of you that have been abandoned in your time of need.
Tammy, Thanks for reading and bless your mom’s little heart!
You can’t even stand up long enough to cook. He says he does 90% of the housework around here. Not to mention that he knew from day one I had MS. And I am still working full time and contributing monitarily. Wants to go skating so found someone he could go skating with to get the full experience. Has to hire worman to fill the void. I like this girl but it hurt my feelings? You bet it does and when I complain, says I am jealous. Damn right I am jealous that this girl can do things that I can’t. What about my full experience? If you are unahppy then go. But he doesn’t, saying he loves me. Really?
Leslie, That sounds rough,it’s hard to believe he knew from day 1!
Then there are those who say nothing, but simply disappear.
Judy, Yep! Good rid-dens!
I’ve been in this game offically for over 5 years, no one dares to confront me with you look so good, etc.. before I either respond with sarcasm of some sort. Favorite is to stomp on persons foot and say that didn’t hurt me at all.. 🙂
Peter, Yeah, they don’t say that me anymore either
In a sad way I wish I had heard any of those words.. the truth is that I heard nothing.. Absolutely nothing.. no one tried to understand what I was going through.. did not even call to find out “what” was going on.. and although I did not understand at the time.. I just leaned into my anger and well you know the deal.. I made myself bitter.. until I realized that I had to let it go, Had to let them go. And I forgave. So much time has passed now that many are embarrassed to even say they are sorry.. although I did get a few apologies, much to my surprise.. to which I reply with a smile.. a hug and the comforting words ” it’s okay… I forgive you”.. one of the times after this had happened, my husband says to me.. “Ella, I am so proud of you..” Guess I did not realize how good being able to forgive was going to be for me too.. It’s a healing process.. Thanks Nicole for hitting the nail on the head as always..
ella, A lot of them too for being able-bodied.
How bout this one, “Well, you shouldn’t have quit exercising. If you would start back going to the gym and walking you would get your energy back.” REALLY??? It doesn’t matter that I have MS fatigue and work a busy fulltime job as a preschool speech therapist?? Yeah, sometimes the people that are closest are the blindest to our reality. OMG, you so nailed it when you wrote of the “loss of control.” This is so where I am right now in this journey!!!
Yep, that one too Mary Alice. If only you will exercise that will cure it!
Mary alice. I’m right there with you.
I am so tired of the exercise and diet will cure all. For the last year I have been telling all my Dr’s about this terrible pain in my bones and joints. Interrupting my life and sleep. After every test the Dr’s I think the Dr’s thought she’s crazy. But they finally sent me for a sleep test and Whoa la, Sleep Apnea-Complex.
Which the first 2 years of my MS my lesions were attacking my brain stem. I chose to do the 2 years of chemo to change the course of where the lesions were attacking. Which I guess it had done some damage enough that when sleeping, I am not automatically breathing your brain is suppose to make sure you breath enough oxygen to wash the carbon dioxide. So now I am on auto high pressure CPAC. Feeling much better, but that just means I can function to maybe get thru my day. Exercise is getting to the restroom or the front door in one piece. What is it that people don’t get? Hope that this help someone else.
My favorite is “You’re faking. There is nothing wrong with you.” Another great one “Why can’t you keep up? Hurry up.”
I get that one too Janet. Why you so slow, keep up.
Janet,
My gosh that’s so cruel!
My favorite, “You can’t do it or you won’t do it?”
Donna, WoW.
Sounds like many people in my life. I can forgive, but never forget. So have I really forgiven?
Yes, Kshanski! Forgiveness has nothing to do with amnesia! We can absolve someone of their offenses against us and not continue to use them against them, it doesn’t mean our memory suddenly disappears!!
Donna, I agree.
Remember, forgiveness actually frees yourself — it is not about the other person, but about releasing the hold that what they did has on you. It is not amnesia either. Also — it helps clear up any expectations that we have on that other person…
Linda, I totally agree.
Linda, I totally agree with you.
I couldn’t agree more, -:))) Thank you !
Kshanki, I think forgiving frees us. By not forgetting we learn not to do the same twice.
Kshanski, let’s talk about it at public policy. Friday is the last day to register.
Yep…same thing happened to me. My husband was mad at me for messing up his life when I was diagnosed. Some nerve, right?! whatever happened to ” through the good and bad ,sickness and health” thing? i think that is the most cowardly thing a man can do and I am better off with mine gone! He wasn’t any help to me any way!
Sue, In response to that my husband often says, “He would have left anyway.” Doesn’t make it easier, but it just may be true.
That was deep Nicole. I hear those exact words. If I could only push though. You just lazy. You don’t need anybody to help you clean this 3 story house. All you do is lay around. I’m tired too. But you look good. And my all time favorite is, “I know if I had this, I would do better.” Oh and don’t let me forget, “I give more to you, than you do for me.”
Sorry to vent…………
Elaine. Those are horrible!