“Find a place inside where there’s joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.” ~ Joseph Campbell
The further along I travel on this journey with my uninvited guest known as MS, the more my hope tends to transform into fear. I’ve already lost the battle with standing and walking and now I’m consumed with totally losing the use of my hands.
When I was first diagnosed, I declared war against this disease. I was afraid multiple sclerosis might have the power to strip me down and change the essence of who I am. And despite my resistance, I’ve got to admit so far it’s done a pretty good job. It’s changed me. My priorities are different. My thought process doesn’t match those of a normal 40-year-old woman. I had to change the way I see the world and most importantly the way I see myself.
I remember once thinking things would be all right if this normal would just stay the same. I’m learning that may not be the case. Better yet, I have to get ready to fight this on a spiritual level. Because after all, my spirit is the one thing multiple sclerosis can’t steal without my approval.
So now my top priority has to be my well being. I take pride in doing my best to put myself first. I strive to be Nicole, who by the way happens to have multiple sclerosis. And I attempt not to portray myself as just an MS victim.
I no longer have the energy to try and impress people. Meeting the expectations of those around me use to encumber me. I was searching for approval. But now I look to myself for my happiness and health. I find if I’m happy, everyone around me seems to be happy as well. The happiness becomes contagious. It’s like some type of infectious joy. The best part is, I now live for that joy. And that’s not a bad way to live.
PS. Oh, I love that post-it color yellow…My favorite.
Nicole-
You are so right about priorities! And this journey is a type of transformation for me as well. Of course we did not ask for it, but let’s do the best we can with it. I wish you love, health and peace. Those are most important!
Good Evening, Nicole – I just want you to know I think you’re doing a great job with your blog. I’m new to blogging and still figuring things out. If you have any advice for me I would really appreciate it. My post is paintinggodslight.com. Endless thanks for your time! Teri
Teri,
Your blog looks great to me.
Thank you for your message-you’ve got that so right! I have driven many loving people away at times by an un-joyful spirit. You have successfully rekindled my desire to remain joyful and and undemanding in my life-it does no one else any good and it just depletes my energy. It is so counterproductive!! Thank you for your beautiful countenance and your contagious spirit. I’m -gulp!- 60 years old and have been wrestling with this presence of MS for 28 years. Thankfully, my husband has been my 100% life support. What a gift! It’s only by God’s grace that we have been able to weather the difficulties. Thank you again!
I just turned 50 and was just diagnosed with MS. I have a great support system but still feel very alone in this. I’m scared of the future, but all of your posts help. I am a very positive person. Hoping that will keep me going.
Great post Nicole. I shared it on my FB and bam- tons of likes.
I’ve just recently revealed my diagnosis to the world as I was hiding it for years.
Well as you know, MS can’t be hidden for long.
Keep on spreading happiness. You certainly inspire me
Mary, I hid it for as long as I possibly could too!
I am freaked out by outing myself but in the long run it was necessary.
Great post! You’ve had a rough year, so good to see you smile! Praying things continue to go well.
Love the line about MS not able to steal your spirit without your approval. Gorgeous picture!
Yvonne
Thank you.
I so agree with this: “I have to get ready to fight this on a spiritual level. Because after all, my spirit is the one thing multiple sclerosis can’t steal without my approval.” The other thing I remind myself is that it is okay if I am variable in this. That on some days I am better at it than on others.
I’m a work in progress. Nicole
BTW, I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT YOUR PICTURE IN THIS POST IS GORGEOUS!
Nope. Nope. Nope. No “hope turning to fear”!!! Attitude is everything. I’ve had ms a really long time. I never thought of it as ‘war’ or a ‘battle’. It’s my body. MS does have a way of stripping away the non-essentials (everyone else seems to find essential). When life is lived close to the bone priorities do change. We grow. We learn. We accommodate! The spiritual is key. The challenge is that none of this is a task one and done. I love your motto: Live for Joy!
Hi Nicole,
MS sucks, and you have encouraged so many of us through your writing and your honesty! It pains me to see what the disease is capable of or maybe I’m just fearful of what’s in store for me, either way you’ve helped me to #KeepMoving and not give up the fight with MS. My hope and prayer for you is that you keep it real, keep fighting, and revel in the joy you find during the process of fighting that spiritual battle. You’re an awesome lady with whom I’m honored to have had the opportunity to meet this year.
Your friend,
Tim
#MSRunnerDude
WOW NICOLE! THAT WAS GREAT. I WAS BEGINNING TO WORRY ABOUT YOU & YOUR INNER SELF. MS IS A HORRIBLE DISEASE, WE CAN ALL AGREE ON THAT….BUT WE MUST CONTINUE TO KEEP OUR SPIRIT UP. YES WE ARE NO LONGER THE PERSON WE WERE, BUT THAT STILL DOESN’T MEAN WE CAN’T ENJOY OUR LIFE, WE JUST NEED TO APPROACH IN A DIFFERENT WAY. WE MAY NOT HAVE ALL THAT WE WANT, BU WE HAVE ALL THAT WE NEED!
What a beautiful post, you have inspired me to do better. Thank You.
Nicole thank you agaun for sharing your thoughts. I feel your spirit is not only alive and well but growing stronger and stronger. Your blog posts get better and better, and we are able to share this journey with you. How lucky are we to have an inspiration for our own private feaes and frustration.
God bless you!