“Every man has his secret sorrows which the world knows not; and often times we call a man cold when he is only sad.” ― Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
I feel as if I’m slipping into depression. I know the signs. Not only because I’m a nurse by profession but also because my own father has dealt with it the majority of his life. Over the years, he’s come a long way. Of course, if you ask my mother, she may have a different story to tell. She’s the one who has to live with him everyday.
So, I have been proactive about this slide down hill into that unforgiving black hole. I returned to my psychiatrist. I’m trying to avoid sleeping all day. And I started reading again.
What made me even realize I may be having a problem is my support group leader asked the question to everyone, “What do you do to improve your quality of life?” I personally had a list of answers, which included therapeutic horseback riding and visiting the local gym as often as possible. But these things don’t always work because when it’s raining there is no horse back riding. And here in Louisiana, it’s always raining. Plus, sometimes I just cannot make it to the gym because of other obligations or I’m just too tired.
And although I have my husband, I just get plain old lonely. It seems as if the lives of my friends are rolling along smoothly. While I’m stuck, stuck in the muck of multiple sclerosis. And it stinks.
I haven’t been doing the things that I usually enjoy. For example, it took a lot for me to even blog today. I spend a lot of time resenting those around me that are physically able-bodied. This is wrong, selfish, and unhealthy for me. And I know this. But that’s how my mind works when I’m living on the edge of depression.
I believe that ultimately we live and die just as we dream, alone within the thoughts and feelings in our head. Yet, much of what makes us most human is our ability to share our hopes and dreams even if not all dreams are joyous. For even the most famous (in the U.S.) “I have a dream” speech was a hope for a different shared experience than was currently being felt by millions of people living a life defined through a lens of racism.
I think this is part of why I enjoy your writing. By sharing the triumphs and struggles, physical and mental, you share your experience making our own a little less lonely.
It is the hardest thing to love life again when depression takes hold. Life is different and ever changing. I find stopping the thoughts and proclaiming in my mind positive things over an over until the subconscious gets savvy. I scold my negative thoughts away. Your blog is wonderful and soothes others when knowing they are not alone. I wish you peace and happiness my friend. You ARE making a difference for others. You really are.
Hi Nicole, You do have an advantage over many of us because of your medical knowledge, but thats not an excuse for the rest of us. It can be hard to see yourself slipping down hill, and many times someone has to see it in us to remind us. I thank you for sharing so much of your personal journey through this blog. You are still a strong person, and you can still change the world. You have made a lasting impression on me! Thanks so much for that!
I hear you. I have had MS for 19 years and was dx Bipolar and with a Borderline personaliy disorder 14 years ago. When I am teetering on the edge of depression I often only see it in retrospect. It’s a daily struggle to. Wake up like the energiser bunny. But my Dad and my friend Hanli. Phone me at 6 am and give me. A positive hello phone call and that really helps. But I do feel they don’t really understand. Me and I too feel very lonely.
Thanks for this post I get exactly what you are saying and wish you well.
Good luck getting your meds right. You are a weekly inspiration to me!
Loneliness sets in
as life’s foundations give way to
unceasing goodbyes.
One of my fictional characters said, “I’m not depressed. I’m in mourning.” And, oh, there are so many opportunities to mourn with the progressive nature of this disease. I think you do remarkably well, even though I am certain you have some really depressing moments. The thing is, considering what we’re dealing with, the surprise would be if we didn’t either mourn or get depressed on occasion. Then, it’s a question of how well one can emerge from that deep hole. If I were a betting person, I would bet that you would emerge, battered perhaps, but still hopeful and determined. Thanks for letting us into your moments of vulnerability. You are not alone. And, by your sharing your experiences, you make the rest of us feel less alone.
Nicole,
I admire your perseverance and fortitude to write your blog today. I will sometimes resent a able bodied person but then I think that they probably have issues that are not apparent and that they are handicapped by their family, etc. I was depressed the other week so I watched Robin Williams and Jonathon Winters on You Tube and it made me feel better. I will be praying for you and hoping for the best. You have inspired me to tell some family members that I have MS. I walk with a cane and try to think of it as empowering me to conquer the world(and mean people).Thank you for sharing your story!!!!!
“I spend a lot of time resenting those around me that are physically able-bodied.” <– That's a natural reaction when you compare yourself with others and experience envy. Focusing on envy will unnecessarily cause you to dwell in self-pity, and that's no fun for anyone.
May I make a suggestion that I think might help? Meditate on self-compassion and sympathetic joy.
Most people understand sympathy to only exist when they're feeling sad or bad because someone they care about is also mired in negative emotions. Sympathy goes both ways! It means being happy when the people you care about are happy. It means delighting in the good fortune of others.
Remind yourself, when you notice yourself feeling resentful of other people's wellness, that wellness and happiness aren't like "stuff." You don't get less because they have more. It's not a zero-sum game. Their level of physical ability doesn't affect your level of physical ability in any way. You wouldn't gain happiness or ability if those able-bodied people were suddenly disabled.
Here's an exercise that may be beneficial for you.
"Sitting comfortably with your eyes closed, silently recite your intention to rejoice in the happiness of others. Phrases often used are "May your happiness and good fortune not diminish. May they increase further and further." You can offer the phrases to different people in your life, one by one. Start with someone you care about. After a few minutes, switch your attention to a person you're not as close to. Then focus on someone who's having a hard time. Compassion for her pain can open your heart, and celebrating even the small degree of happiness she might feel can help both of you. End the meditation by offering the phrases in a global way: "May the happiness and good fortune of all increase further and further.""
FWIW, I totally understand how you feel regarding loneliness. MS is a lonely disease! There are weeks sometimes when MS is really kicking my ass where my husband is the only other human I have any real life contact with. But I'm lucky to have made many friends online thanks to it. Never be afraid to reach out and use Google Hangouts or Skype. Even if you can't go somewhere, it doesn't mean you have to be alone. <3
Nicole–I, too, usually feel as though I am on the edge of depression. I have found that having an Audible app on my cell phone and in my Kindle that the books that are available have been very helpful to my psyche. Recent books which I have read and have truly helped me are: Kisses from Katie, Walking with God through Pain and Suffering by Tim Keller, Stumbling on Happiness by Daniel Gilbert, Joni and Ken about Joni Erickson Tada and The Diary of Anne Frank. You can go to audible.com and look up these books and play a sample of the books for free to decide if you like the sound of it or not. Uplifting stories of other people who have dealt with many of life’s potentially devastating ordeals with a seemingly impossible but positive attitude. Hope that is helpful. I will be praying for your daily struggle to become more positive. Difficult but not impossible.
You are so strong. I think it’s pretty easy to have the feelings you describe but not as easy to write them for all the world to see. Your willingness to share, consistently inspires me to try to put one foot in front of the other each day. Thank you. What can I do to help you?
Amy, you ask, What can you do to help me? …you just did! All of you have. THANKS I needed that
It is so tough at times and there are small and large losses and griefs all the time. It is like the children’s book ‘we are going on a bear hunt’. We can’t go round it or over it or under it , we just got to go through it. And some how we can’t escape it. Please remember you are not the greyness, the depression. You are you Nicole experiencing it, and it will pass. But you need some cool as stuff and support and fun and singing maybe? A community choir? And some unexpected big hugs. Am sending that over the web to you.