In the past I have introduced the concept of accepting consecutive unwelcomed “new norms” into my life. I was referring to the “normal” for my particular life situation. My husband was in Maryland/DC. I was in Louisiana, but after twelve months apart we were finally living together back in New Orleans. I didn’t however mention the transition period into this new normal. As it so happens that is exactly where we (my husband and I) are at this very moment. That sinister transition subtly begins the moment the excitement of seeing each other fades and you can clearly see reality. That reality is your “new normal.” It sneaks in the moment you stop shaving your legs and go to bed without taking a shower!
I would run 5 miles on the track.
Due to Multiple Sclerosis, a wheelchair steers my course and shapes our new normal. I used to be an avid runner. Now, fatigue,a common symptom of M.S., dictates our daily routines. I use to handle a 40+ hour work week. Today, muscle spasms leave me stiff as a brick and at other times so loose I have trouble grasping a ballpoint pen! A little over 2 years ago I was totally “normal” and my husband and I were working in Maryland/DC/VA.
With these challenges, I know that acceptance is the way out of sadness, pity and the mourning of who I use to be. I usually have to hit rock bottom before I can rise up. Gratitude for the things I have and can do today is ushered in. It seems easy enough, right? The key is that I have to remind myself of these things daily…even moment to moment. I can’t depend on anyone else to do it for me. It needs to be the constant backdrop behind my life, my new normal if you will. It’s tricky! Often, at the exact moment I need to do it, I can’t. It takes me a little time. So my goal is to slowly try to decrease the time between the frustration/attack and the moment of acceptance/gratitude. That’s a lofty challenge to undertake!
That being said our transition can be as smooth or as rocky as we (mostly I) choose to make it! I thought it would be easy once he arrived here in New Orleans. But I need help with just about everything and I can’t stand it! It’s demeaning and bad for my ego! I love that I can pull my laptop out while lying right beside him and write. He has no clue!!! To me this is exerting my independence and it feels great!
I have to make it clear that he does nearly everything around the house: cooking, cleaning, washing, oh, due to accidents with bleach, I don’t wash his clothes. Instead, he washes all our clothes! He definitely does more than his fair share around the house. Once again, yes I am grateful for that but doggone it, I can’t stand that either! Don’t be mistaken, I help out too. Now I’m responsible for the towels around here.
It’s getting smoother now. I am defining whom I am now as oppose to who I use to be. I’m reluctantly dealing with my new limitations, while Tommy is trying to keep me happy. To be honest he is totally fine. Totally fine! I’m the one refining!
Oh by the way, “Please take a shower tonight” is a quote from Tommy.
Nicole,
Great post. The constant changes and readjustments, the uncertainty about the future, are the biggest challenge with MS. So many new normals. I think your goal is admirable and what I should also be working on, to avoid anger at my losses and to be more mindful of the present rather than catastrophising the future. Need to take my own advice more often and lick the honey! http://www.lickingthehoney.org/2010/09/licking-the-honey-life-post-diagnosis/
All best, Cathy
Cathy, Thanks for stopping by.I hope I can keep up my self imposed goal too!
Nicole
Good, thought inspiring post, nicole, thanks!
Libby, I really try To pour it all out here.
Nicole
Swallowing pride and accepting help is one of the hardest aspects of MS–it is for me anyway.
Maybe that is one of the life lessons I am supposed to learn through all of this!
My odd sock, Well we know that It’s mine!
Nicole
Oh, I really connect with this one. I am starting to notice that I am sometimes “grateful for what I have” while still comparing “what I have” to “what I used to have” and “what I wanted.”
Gratitude is easy. True gratitude, complete gratitude, unreserved gratitude… that’s hard.
Robert,
Okay, another welcomed lesson. Thanks
Nicole
Humility and gratitude are the hardest character traits we will learn…but they go hand in hand.
Breathe in….be thankful….breathe out…and tell him your husband that you are. You will teach your mind that it doesn’t have to be in control for life to abundant…and your heart will find peace in the acceptance.
Tina,
Peace in acceptance. Its music To my ears!
Nicole
I am 42 but some days I feel order than that. I recently had a flare up so my normal has changed things up a little. I cant be on my feet very long with my left leg hurting then going numb and heavy feeling. My husband worries about me all the time I cant seem to go anywhere by myself without him worrying . I have had to learn since 04 that I have limits. I cant even be around my side of the family too much because of the stress levels around them causes a flare up. My family blames my husband for them not seeing me or my kids, but a lot of the times it is my decision not to be around them because I don’t need the added stressors. They just don’t get it. But that is our new normal for our lives avoiding stressors.
Pricilla, You’ve identified a stressor they say that’s the hard part! So hats off to ya.
Nicole
I recently started following your blog. I can relate to your description of adjusting to living with “new normals”. MS just continues to reshape us, what we can do and how we live our lives. I got side tracked by a single word in your post.
Avid-
adjective
1. showing great enthusiasm for or interest in: an avid moviegoer. Synonyms: enthusiastic, ardent, keen; devoted, dedicated; zealous, fanatic. Antonyms: indifferent, apathetic; reluctant. (Dictionary.com)
It’s a word you also used in your last post “What would you do?”. You talk about being a nurse and avid reader, and of being an avid runner. It got me thinking about all the things that I could do avidly before this disease took hold. In many ways its easy to life in full color before MS and in monochromatic colors after.
In part I think that is because every action now takes energy, and thought before MS we did so much day to day living with out need to think and plan. We must take more time to get things done now, life is lived in a much slower mode now. Finding gratitude in the things we can do independently and sharing our gratitude with those who give of themselves is where we will find peace and strength I think.
Thanks for your thoughtful message Nicole.
this is so true..
I am glad so many people understand what I have to deal with.
Kim, I didn’t even realize I used the word so much! But I agreement that it is a window into before and after MS.
Thanks for your very well thought out comment. I hope right along with gratitude Im living a colorful life that compliments the way i was before the bomb hit.
Nicole
My husband and I have had to go through similar transitions. He is now the cook, though early on when we met and I was feeling well he had announced that cooking was the one thing he would never do. Well, he is doing it and doing it maybe more gracefully than I might have if the tables were turned. So I’m grateful. But these are enormous stressors and no one ever starts a relationship thinking that one member is going to be seriously ill and the other a caregiver. But here we are making the best of it.
Judy, I guess we are too!
Nicole