“It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.” ~ J.K. Rowling
Nowadays my ability to ignore MS is getting weaker while the fear of my future is growing stronger. And I must admit, my patience has a minimum. So waiting for a cure feels like I’m holding on to nothing. I’d be more tolerant if I had the time. But I don’t. After all, I’m living with a chronic debilitating disease.
Sometimes I wish I could put MS on pause. But instead, it stays constant. It’s a blues I can’t drink away. A pain I can’t run from. An annoyance I can’t ignore. Destroying my memory, making me an orphan to my old life. And every time I see a picture from my past, the Polaroid dust burns me from the memory of healthier times.
I try not to be too emotional but my mind doesn’t work like that. Some days I cry all-day and other times I feel nothing. But regardless of how I react, my battle remains 24/7. Even when I sleep, I am constantly disturbed by leg spasms and cramps. And when I am awake, a lot of my time is spent tying up loose ends created by MS.
And just when I become dishearten by the whole process. I ask the universe to reveal solutions. I close my eyes and I can hear encouraging chants echoing inside my mind. It’s almost as if angels are whispering to me, “You will survive this.”
With those words I am inspired. It gives me hopes that are taller than giants. Providing me the bravery to continue the search for my purpose and what skills I still possess. Showing me the secrets of where to hide from the shadows. Allowing me to sit back and look towards my future and see the sunrise beyond the darkness.
I know there will be trials and tribulations but I now choose to focus on the goodness in my life and leave the rest to fate. I can continue to stumble on all the reasons why not to embrace joy or I can choose to be happy.
For so long, I’ve been sitting in darkness and sleeping through the sunshine. But now, I’m going to live an active life. And have fun the whole time, while running toward the sun.
Good on you. I understand how hard it is to keep such a positive attitude. There is so much else dragging downward, it takes great strength to keep your chin up. Right there with you, sister.
Nicole, your writing is really, really beautiful. Reminds me of a wonderful Christian writer Joani Erickson Tada? who was paralyzed but served through her paralysis to help heal our souls! I just got this diagnosis and don’t know where this is going–who does? But reading these stories and all the hope and honesty will save me! Thanks, and ‘keep on keepin on’ as I have said for 9 years on my enviro journey! Now I have another journey too. We are not in this alone! TAKE CARE!
Nicole, you’re very inspiring! GOD has you and HE will see you through this cloud of uncertainty.
I myself understand how you feel, and ask why many days, but I must remember ‘ It’ll be all over in the morning.’ This is the song that’s constantly playing in my head when I become discouraged. Then, I get on my knees to pray thanking GOD for HIS MERCY AND GRACE, because HE stills allow Me to be here experiencing life. This means so much because I realize there’s so much to be concerned about, and GOD GOT ME, so I shouldn’t worry about anything!
The photo is perfect for this post! Being mindful of the good and the blessings even in the midst of pain is a real challenge but so important! Thanks for sharing your journey.
Your writing is beautiful. I wish you a peaceful day, my friend.
Thanks for your inspirational words. I identify so much with your feelings Gary
Another inspirational post along with a beautiful and very inspirational photo. Keep shining my friend!
Your posts always project such beauty, your gift of words always touches a place deep in my soul. I am sure it is true for many.
I am always inspired by your posts, Nicole.