“Don’t wait around for other people to be happy for you. Any happiness you get you’ve got to make yourself.” – Alice Walker
(2010)
Today, after nearly twelve lonely months apart, my husband is scheduled to join me in New Orleans, Louisiana. This is where we lived prior to Maryland. As it so happens we left New Orleans just before Hurricane Katrina hit. We plan to live there again as husband and wife. I’ve convinced him to leave his secure job in Maryland and join me jobless in New Orleans.
That’s bad advice, right?
During this economic downturn, I would guess that it is. I still can’t walk or drive. I can no longer work. It’s selfish and risky, I know. But in a few weeks, I will meet my new normal. And, I’m ready.
I’ve been researching apartments. We’re going to stick to apartments for now. I don’t think buying and selling two homes in seven years has been very profitable. After all we are no realtors. And I found this cute handicap accessible spot that’s really great.
Some people go through tragedies and emerge on the other side saying they are glad they went through it. Well… that’s not me! I can’t stand this disease. I feel like it has robbed me of fundamental aspects of my life. I’m dealing with it, but I truly live with a bit of resentment. I can experience sadness, pity, joy, gratefulness, and elation all within a span of 10 minutes. All I can do is keep trying to hang on to who I am underneath MS.
Several close friends have told me; that in everything you go through there is a lesson. The goal is to find it and learn from it. If you don’t learn from it, it will relentlessly consistently reappear bigger and stronger.
Sometimes when everything is quiet and I am alone, I wonder if this is happening to me because I missed an important lesson along the way? Besides, can it get any worse than this? I say yes, it could be worse.
Thanks Nicole, This comment was meant to be in response to a posting you made regarding your psychiatrist and her response to your blog, however at the time I couldn’t locate that post so just posted it on post 11.
Obviously from all the comments you have received, you are voicing a common experience of others dealing with this illness, it is not all of us, but it is part of us and that is where the respect for what that self is experiencing comes in. So thank you again for writing.
Hi Nicole, Thank you for writing this blog, I believe there are very many people who feel that you give voice to their limits as well, and in that validate their struggle and identity and with that, they are given the courage to continue to move forward knowing that they are not alone, nor are they crazy. I think you voice a honest outcome of what it is like to live with such a diagnosis that only others in similar circumstances can relate to. I was often given advice by well meaning therapists who have shared with me years later that they themselves could never have followed the advice they gave me under my circumstances, that it is not as easy as that, today we all the focuss is on the hero, however sometimes we just need others to acknowedge our truth and to be there for us, only after this acknowedgemnet are we ready to move forward once again. I believe this is a step that is often missing with well meaning people, they want us to skip over these bumps in the road, pretend they don’t happen, put on that happy face and think positively, this is not helpful, we do need to reflect, honour what we have come through, so we can truly feel a sense of real success in having come though a difficult time. Thank you and keep being honest, I don’t feel so quite alone because of it.
Shari, thanks for your kind words! It keeps me going.Im grateful and humbled. Thank you.i publish new posts on Tuesdays