“I always see the glass half full. I see the beauty in others, and I see the hope for tomorrow. If we don’t have hope and faith, we have nothing.” ~ Craig Sager
Glass half full. Glass half empty. Every day my outlook changes. Living with an unpredictable chronic disease. Trial and error are the norm. Mistakes are commonly made.
Ashamed of what I can’t do. The list grows with every misstep. I got a lust for life. But I keep getting slapped in the face. Blame it on my circumstance.
On the bad days, it’s like I’m swimming on the deep end. Floating on a river of doubt. Face down. While fear is eating away at my dreams. Leaving me to drown in uncertainties. Dark thoughts pillaging my soul.
Doctors telling me how I should feel. A cure is around the corner. Just smile and bear with us. Saying it’s not normal to have resentment. To have those aches. To have those thoughts.
Can they sense my hurt? Can they read my mind? Can they see my heartbreak? They never ask me my point of view.
Various opinions got me scratching my head. Trying to figure out what to do next. I’m down for the count but steadily trying to get back up. Over the years I have been on multiple medications. But none have worked. The proof is the lesions that continue to appear out of nowhere.
Experts tell me to get rest. Take it easy and don’t overexert myself. But I can’t. Life isn’t life if you don’t live it. So, you see me everywhere I shouldn’t be. I go to late night comedy shows, Mardi Gras parades, and concerts at night clubs.
I realized, instead of living in my head. With the sadness. The fear. The loneliness. I need to open my eyes and see the delightfulness of life in front of me. Pursue my pleasures and begin filling my glass with happiness.
Even when it feels like nobody cares. Nobody calls my phone. Nobody offers me anything but fake flowers. It’s okay. I’ll be alright. Because I planted my own garden. I didn’t wait for anyone. I grew my own roses to smell. Watered them with my half full glass. And when my tears hit the soil, I watched as my struggles blossomed into joy.
[…] A Glass Full Of Joy – My New Normals is written by Nicole Lemelle for […]
My dear Nicole, thank you again for sharing your deepest frustrations and fears, and your ongoing hope and strong spirit- even when you don’t feel so strong. Nothing wrong with any of your emtions and if you have doctors telling you it’s not normai to feel any of your feels then they might know medicine but not much else. And comedy clubs? Awesome!! Giggles are also a valid coping mechanism and one of my favorites!
I was thinking of you last week and wondering when we would hear from you again. I look forward to your beautiful posts, they always inspire me. Your joy de vive for life and finding ways to embrace it, is a path for all to enbrace. Thank you for taking the time to share. I often wish you would write the story of your life, you have such a gift with word & metaphore, I am sure that it would benefit many.
Thank you soooo much for sharing your heartfelt thoughts. I feel your pain, your grief not knowing what the day is going to be like.
I LOVE that you’re living your life on *your* terms, not the doctors who don’t live with MS. I do. And it sucks. Big time. But like you, I look at life as my glass half-full and seek joy in my day to day life. It’s fabulous you’re going out to nightclubs enjoying music, the Mardi Gras, oh, I wish I could join you! I love how you described your lovely Rose garden! They’ve always been a my favourite flower. I would love to send you a handmade knit or crochet rose. I even have some rose oil to sprinkle on them.
You are a beautiful soul and I always look forward to reading how you’re doing. ❤️❤️❤️
Oh I love this. A wonderful post full of heart , and not skirting around the dark times and huge grief. Thank you
Nicole, I’m always so happy to see you have a new blog. It motivates me to know you’re still fighting this disease against all odds. You always put into words so eloquently the feelings I have about myself. I love life but it seems every day, my efforts to fight the disease are diminished. Keep up your fight and your blogs because you mean so much to so many.
Thanks for sharing. I appreciate you.