“I always see the glass half full. I see the beauty in others, and I see the hope for tomorrow. If we don’t have hope and faith, we have nothing.” ~ Craig Sager

Glass half full. Glass half empty. Every day my outlook changes. Living with an unpredictable chronic disease. Trial and error are the norm. Mistakes are commonly made.

Ashamed of what I can’t do. The list grows with every misstep. I got a lust for life. But I keep getting slapped in the face. Blame it on my circumstance.

On the bad days, it’s like I’m swimming on the deep end. Floating on a river of doubt. Face down. While fear is eating away at my dreams. Leaving me to drown in uncertainties. Dark thoughts pillaging my soul.

Doctors telling me how I should feel. A cure is around the corner. Just smile and bear with us. Saying it’s not normal to have resentment. To have those aches. To have those thoughts.

Can they sense my hurt? Can they read my mind? Can they see my heartbreak? They never ask me my point of view.

Various opinions got me scratching my head. Trying to figure out what to do next. I’m down for the count but steadily trying to get back up. Over the years I have been on multiple medications. But none have worked. The proof is the lesions that continue to appear out of nowhere.

Experts tell me to get rest. Take it easy and don’t overexert myself. But I can’t. Life isn’t life if you don’t live it. So, you see me everywhere I shouldn’t be. I go to late night comedy shows, Mardi Gras parades, and concerts at night clubs.

I realized, instead of living in my head. With the sadness. The fear. The loneliness. I need to open my eyes and see the delightfulness of life in front of me. Pursue my pleasures and begin filling my glass with happiness.

Even when it feels like nobody cares. Nobody calls my phone. Nobody offers me anything but fake flowers. It’s okay. I’ll be alright. Because I planted my own garden. I didn’t wait for anyone. I grew my own roses to smell. Watered them with my half full glass. And when my tears hit the soil, I watched as my struggles blossomed into joy.