“You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end.” ~ Bob Marley
You do so much for me that I believe you can accomplish anything. You can handle anything. Plus you provide support without any questions or expectations. And it’s not fair.
When it’s time for me to give in return, I almost always fall short. And that makes me feel like a failure. It’s not because of a lack of effort. I really try my best. It’s because I am not the same person I used to be. I’m different.
It’s amazing, despite my flaws, that someone in this world can still love me. I limp. I fall. I stutter. Sometimes I sleep all day. My thoughts are frantic. Most of my ideas are only half thought out. And I seem to drift through the day.
Once, I did everything on my own. Now I need assistance. I’ve become such a liability. I feel like a burden to everyone. My deficits put so much pressure directly on our relationship. Forcing you to constantly adjust between being a companion and a caretaker.
That awkward reality makes me withdraw. Where I become absorbed in my circumstance. Compelling me to complete task unaided, when I should be asking for help. Placing all my focus on myself. Putting everything else on hold. And unfortunately that sometimes includes you. Those times when my heart is so far away. Even when we’re sitting right next to each other, I’m still thousands of miles away.
It’s because I’m just so distracted. My mind is preoccupied with staying sane. The pain in my head sounds like a conversation with my grief. And it will not shut up. Creating a diversion so strong I barely listen when you talk. When you ask questions, sometimes I don’t even answer back.
But I can’t use my difficulties as an excuse to neglect you. The answer is plain and simple. I need to find a different way to foster our relationship. Just because some of my abilities are lacking, doesn’t mean I don’t have anything to offer. I can’t physically assist in strengthening and growing our bond. But I can give you what I do have. More attention, love, and time.