“But better to get hurt by the truth than comforted with a lie.” ~ Khaled Hosseini
Sometimes when reality speaks, I tend to plug my ears. Ignoring my limitations. Explaining away the spasms. Disregarding the spots on my MRI.
I like to make myself believe everything is all right. Having as many positive thoughts as possible. Always seeing my glass half full.
The problems start when I want everyone else to also believe my life is ideal despite the challenges.
This is nothing new. I frequently denied the truth. And when I tried to drown it I sank to the bottom. I’ve been doing this since I was first diagnosed. I’m so good at making the world see my life as wonderful and stress free. Telling everyone I’m doing great all the time. I find comfort in hiding in that fantasy. Rolling a red carpet over my troubles so no one could witness my anguish.
For years I’ve built up a wall thinking it would keep out perceived evils. But instead, it trapped all my internal problems within. It’s as if I installed burglar bars on a burning house. With the intention of preserving and projecting a false narrative during every social interaction.
But guess what? It didn’t work. The lies came to the light. Making the pain even more powerful. Creating grief that swept my whole body. So potent even my shadow looked sad.
Periodically, MS has set a blaze to my life. I have lost a lot in those fires. Each flare has changed me so much. I’ve been able to cope by focusing on the only thing that is consistent. The lies.
I told those lies because I was afraid of not being accepted. Scared of how everyone would react if they knew the truth. So I pretended nothing was wrong by smothering my fears with deceit.
But dishonesty can only take me so far. I began choking on all the lies. I realized I couldn’t constantly live up to the fantastical image I created.
So instead of hiding behind a falsehood, I’m going to try and let everyone see the true me. Embrace my faults. Celebrate my successes. And stop constructing a wall of lies.