Is there really such a thing as peaking too early? I originally started writing this blog to reconnect with who I am underneath M.S. At the inception of this website, the title of this blog was an easy no brainer. I was desperately, no frantically looking for who I used to be. But only after a few months…I think I’ve found what I’ve been looking for. The bottom line is that person is gone. No matter how fast I run I’ll never tackle her again. I could have a good week and think THAT’S IT. I’M BETTER NOW!… then the dust settles and that dream eludes me again.
Last weekend I cleaned out my closet. Donated my high heel shoes and fancy clothes. Shoes that honestly, I’ve coveted for quite some time. However, that’s a totally separate demon to contend with. It was a ceremonious endeavor. I could hear Etta James playing in the background. I could see my used tissues spread around me. I was sitting on the closet floor packing and actually polishing old shoes! I wanted to make sure they were presented nicely to a local battered woman’s shelter. The door briefly opened and closed. As my husband left shaking his head. I’m sure he figured I was headed to the mental ward. Though, I was in tears, deep down I knew they were only things, but to me it was as if cleaning the closet of a deceased loved one, but this time the loved one was me pre multiple sclerosis. The thing that brought me through was the comfort in knowing some woman really might appreciate what I had to offer. Just maybe she will grow to covet them too! (Joking)
So I realized that the entire premise of this blog is bologna. It says I’m looking for Normal, but my friends, I am normal right here and now. Plus, “normal” continuously morphs. Do you get it? I just have to build a new and improved version of me. Plainly said, normal is whatever I can do right now. Normal is no longer what I use to be able to do. As a matter of fact, I need to strip those words from my vocabulary. I’ve said countless times, “I use to be able to…”
It’s like I was pacing behind “Normal”, I manage to grab him, he turns around and to my surprise… it’s me!
Hi Nicole
Your closet experience spoke to me too. Thanks for the good words. Just knowing that other MSers have had this particular experience makes me feel better. For me, I had a black “blackless” dress that was a show stopper. I still have it and the “bitchy” heels that go with it. I am going to donate it soon. I juist don’t know who to give it to. Recently donated a black lamb coat and a faux fur to a church flea market. I was happy someone actually bought them. There are more than a few items in my closet that I can no longer wear due to MS (at first) and then weight gain. In my day, I was a 6 ft beautiful AA woman who loved to party and entertain. I am in a different phase of my life now. I can’t wear and don’t need the clothes.
This is my first time reading your blog. My congratulations. I can relate but don’t feel depressed or have new symptoms after reading. You seem upbeat in an MSer kinda way. Liked you on Fb. Good Luck. I check back another day.
Helen,
I appreciate the kind words. I never realized this “closet” story was such a shared plight, MS or not. In a way , it shifts the focus off me on to someone else for a change.
Nicole
I too sat on my closet floor and cried when I was going through all my work clothes and trying to decide what to do with them. I ended up donating them to Purple Heart for the tax write-off. But, I remember sitting there, crying that I had to give away all my favorite clothes, either because I’m mourning that I will never wear them again in a work environment, or because I’ve gained so much weight from my MS and not exercising because of the daily pain and fatigue. I still haven’t parted with all my high heels yet, can’t accept that I won’t be wearing them again. It’s been a year now since I’ve given up my clothes and shoes, and I still mourn.
I just found your blog for the first time, and I hope to gain some inspiration from it. Thank you for your efforts.
[…] It isn’t rocket science to imagine problems with simple things like doing up a bra, or shaving legs (I’m guessing they are trickier than faces), but there are MS issues that can go beyond the pure physical. Have a read here. […]
OK I was diagnosed 9 years ago and in a wheelchair since. I have apparently been going at this all wrong. I have been trying to retain as much of the old me as possible. Its time to embrace the “new” me. I have many clothes I have kept that I have not worn in years. It’s time to roll out the old and celebrate the new. I need to quit over doing things and take life slower. I need to double check my priority list. I do volunteer work for the NMSS. Is there such a thing as too much? I am a self help group facilitator, a state and federal advocate, I coordinate our local walk. I am 48 and have 5 kids, 4 grandsons, with a 10 yr old son still at home. I need to start enjoying life…thank you for getting me to see it.
Taunia,
It’s always interesting to see how ofter we don’t want the things we have. For instance I would love to be involved in some of those activities! Key point – some! I do think I could volunteer more, but for now I’ll just stick to donating!
Thanks for another beautifully written piece, Nicole. The ‘shoes’ is an insight into a female side of coming to terms with loss. If you want hubby to understand, maybe throw him a football and tell him that he is no longer able to kick it.
Ian,
Neat idea.
I still cannot get a grip on my new normals? I said a pitiful goodbye to many shoes 🙁
Nancy, Me too!
Hi Nicole-I follow you on MSF page on FB. I enjoy your posts and am just finally getting around to reading your blog-you have an easy style of writing, and I really like that. I started a blog and just have not follwed through with it. (the link is on my FB info page). You are truly an inspiration and thanks to you I am going back and concentrate on being as committed to my blog as you are to yours. As far as the cleaning closet thing-I am the kind of person and my career demanded that I always be “dressed to the nines” to use an old saying. My bag & shoes always “had” to match-now I wear a brace and I have such shoe envy!! So goes life-but life is good and our new normals are ours, so we make the best of what life brings. Thx. for your insight, it’s a joy to read.
Sandra Williams Smith
Sandra,
Thanks for the nice words. I treat blogging like my job now. It’s a job with its on special perks!
Nicole, the part that speaks to me the most is about the: “I am normal right here and now. Plus, “normal” continuously morphs. Do you get it?” I get it, hunny! I was just talking to my counselor about the same thing last week – what will I do as things progress – how will I face them? The same way I am facing getting the news that I have MS – it is my (normal) life at the moment — but I didn’t use that word – and it fits perfectly! You so inspire me!
Lea,
Thanks so much! I’m so happy to inspire. It makes writing worth it!
Thanks for the great guffaw you prompted over the comment you left on my blog about my heels in the closet poem.
Judy, Guflaw? What happened????
I just did that!!!! Reluctantly might I add!!!!!!
Was it hard?
I remember the day I gave all of my beautiful heels away. I searched for over a year to find just the right gal that would covet them the way I did. She’s a friend of mine so I can visit them whenever I want 🙂
Best of luck to you, Nicole – keep up the good attitude!
Mary,
It’s a big deal isn’t it? I did give a few to family and friends. So that was easier. Unfortunately both of them live out of town!
Hi Nicole,
What is “normal” changes when chronic illness knocks on the door and takes up residency. But “normal” changes for those who do not have disease as well. We are all ever changing and readjusting to those changes every day.
You are still you, your essence remains intact. Each day provides the opportunity for a new journey, new experiences and time to be the you, that you are right now. By the look of that smile on your face, the you is stunning!
It’s interesting that many female MS bloggers write about their shoes! One of the first things that really hit me hard, was that I could no longer wear my shoes. My beautifully styled, high heeled lovlies. I even wrote a post about it (http://meanderone.blogspot.com/2010/06/if-shoe-fits.html)
Cheers
Karen,
I didn’t know it was a ‘topic’! I will certainly check out the post. I miss the sound they use to make when I or anyone walks with them on.
Nicole, how nice just to fall upon this, just love it. YES you are right it would be a good thing if I could clear out my wardrobe….am I still looking for the old Jan b4 MS. No that has gone for good, I realise I will never work or earn a wage again….so I AM HAPPY doing my charity work. PLU been admin to some good MS sites which I believe are helpful!!
Thanks again Nicole..
xx
Jan,
I’m glad you found me too!! Volunteering??? Good idea.
Congratulations Nicole! This is a major realization and if your journey is at all like mine, you will have many more of them. What a benefit to be able to reflect on this leg of your journey! Thank you for sharing your closet-cleaning experience. (I could definitely relate!) A book that I read that was very helpful to me is “Loving What Is” by Byron Katie. Check it out when you have time — it was a wonderful gift that continues to shepherd me down this new and different pathway of life with MS. I hope you enjoy it, and take good care of yourself!
Thanks Linda, You are always so supportive!
AS YOU I HAVE MS AND MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH OVER THE YEARS I AM NO LONGER THE ME OF YEARS GONE PAST BUT I AM WHO I AM MEANT TO BE I AM AN ADVOCATE AND ACTIVIST FOR THE DISABLED AND LEARNING SLOWLY TO STAND UP FOR MY SELF
Marie, assert you are who you are suppose to be with such confidence!
I have found your blog title interesting because it is the exact phrase my husband and I started using shortly after I was diagnosed…our “new normal”. We don’t say it anymore – this just is.
I recently discarded parts of my old life as a designer – a job/hobby that I don’t do anymore. I had to make my room for my new hobbies 🙂
Emily, I like that. It just is….
I like u have been looking for the old ME and just recently gave all my work uniforms to a relative and wow just like u said it was like I was going through things of a deceased person only that person was ME. Thank u so much for being so open.
Antoinette, Your welcome. In the process hopefully we all are helped.
Wow Antoinette — That’s the exact remaining item on my own “To Do” list, and I was wondering why I kept putting it off – you have pinpointed it for me. Now I can get to it this week, b/c people will need those warm coats and sweaters of mine now that winter is approaching!
And thanks Nicole for providing this “forum” for us to air our thoughts and feelings.
Heidi,
Anytime!
Nicole