Is there really such a thing as peaking too early? I originally started writing this blog to reconnect with who I am underneath M.S. At the inception of this website, the title of this blog was an easy no brainer. I was desperately, no frantically looking for who I used to be. But only after a few months…I think I’ve found what I’ve been looking for. The bottom line is that person is gone. No matter how fast I run I’ll never tackle her again. I could have a good week and think THAT’S IT. I’M BETTER NOW!… then the dust settles and that dream eludes me again.
Last weekend I cleaned out my closet. Donated my high heel shoes and fancy clothes. Shoes that honestly, I’ve coveted for quite some time. However, that’s a totally separate demon to contend with. It was a ceremonious endeavor. I could hear Etta James playing in the background. I could see my used tissues spread around me. I was sitting on the closet floor packing and actually polishing old shoes! I wanted to make sure they were presented nicely to a local battered woman’s shelter. The door briefly opened and closed. As my husband left shaking his head. I’m sure he figured I was headed to the mental ward. Though, I was in tears, deep down I knew they were only things, but to me it was as if cleaning the closet of a deceased loved one, but this time the loved one was me pre multiple sclerosis. The thing that brought me through was the comfort in knowing some woman really might appreciate what I had to offer. Just maybe she will grow to covet them too! (Joking)
So I realized that the entire premise of this blog is bologna. It says I’m looking for Normal, but my friends, I am normal right here and now. Plus, “normal” continuously morphs. Do you get it? I just have to build a new and improved version of me. Plainly said, normal is whatever I can do right now. Normal is no longer what I use to be able to do. As a matter of fact, I need to strip those words from my vocabulary. I’ve said countless times, “I use to be able to…”