I fell into panic mode shortly after I went to see my mental therapist. If, you remember, she mentioned my passionate quest for independence (AKA hand controls) was possibly a manifestation of denial of MS. In other words, after 11 years, I still hadn’t accepted Multiple Sclerosis. Wow, what a blow!
I was so taken aback because the entire premise of this site is based on acceptance. In fact, through this blog I have gained a considerable amount of support and reinforcement. Her question rocked my foundation. I felt as if it was comparable to calling me a fake or phony. I was on shaky ground.
One week flew by. I went back to see the therapist. (I have a standing weekly appointment.) I asked her to expound on the nature of my questionable acceptance. It seemed as if she put a spotlight on me and echoed, “Acceptance comes in layers.” I choose to compare it to a hot buttery Flaky Grands biscuit! You can easily peel the layers off. Usually the outer most comes off pretty quick an easy. The others require a tad bit more fine finger work, detail and precision.
This seemed to me a good enough analogy. I think she said I’ve conquered some layers, but maybe the innermost I’m still pulling back. Does that make sense? I haven’t cleared this analogy. But for now it soothes me. I can receive that perhaps I haven’t accepted MS in its totality. Maybe a non-handicap person using “my” bathroom stall doesn’t require getting the mall police involved! I admit that I may have blown the driving thing out of proportion. To be honest, it does bother me that nearly all of my friends and family think driving may not be a good idea right now.
I mean driving is a huge feat. On some level I think it’s going to rewind my life to “normal.” Am I setting myself up for a huge let down? Possibly, I need to do a bit more physical AND mental therapy before attempting to get behind the wheel!
Oh well, maybe I’ll go eat a darn biscuit! I’m hungry now!
I will NEVER accept MS completely.
[…] first, in a previous post, Flaky Layers, I compared my acceptance of MS to peeling back layers of a biscuit. My head therapist blessed the […]
I can see what she is saying. Driving is something we take for granted. It seems so easy when we are ‘normal’ but add a little neural instability and it can be dangerous. I am not in your shoes but I do experience occasional issues that I must be careful and more attentive to when I drive. I fight my issues daily and hate that I must accept what I have become…I guess I am working super slowly on my layers. 😉
I guess driving is a bit harder than I remember! We’ll work on those layers together!
This is also *my* MS journey; acceptance as “peeling the onion.”
My most-trusted medical folks are doing the same thing in treating the MS; peeling the onion. Fix what you can, first; then, fix what you can; repeat. It’s taking much longer than I’d like.
So is acceptance. (Sigh.) But, this is our task. So… what’s the first step? Do what you can. And together, we’ll smile.
Robert, yes and it doesn’t play by the rules! Onion. I like that. I also like “Do what you can.” It’s like falling and getting back up again.
I to do not get why wanting to be able to drive and getting hand controls to do so is equated with non acceptance or denial?
Not knowing all I suppose the therapist has their reasons but??
I would think that adapting ( whether it be use of equipment or asking others to help) and finding solutions to overcome obstacles that MS deals out would be a positive thing!
P.S. I enjoy your honesty
Jan judging from the comments I have recieved I have totally misconstrued her intent. I have to go back and make sure I understand what she means. I must have something wrong.
I don’t understand why your therapist equates wanting to drive again with non-acceptance. It seems to me that your willingness to investigate a new way of staying involved in the world would prove how well you are accepting your disability. I guess I just don’t get it!
Muff, I agree. Maybe next visit she’ll explain it to me again!
Layers, that’s a great way to describe it. I can personally say that you’ve come a long way. I remember a time when you never shared the challenges MS presented! This blog is proof that you are embracing the concept that your life is different.
Kisha, thanks for looking after me. As I look back, I was trying to be a particular type of person that disability didn’t fit into. There was no room for it in my fantasized reality. So as we say , MS showed up and showed out!