“Before God we are all equally wise – and equally foolish.” ~ Albert Einstein
I sit still in fear. Living a strange life. Mind over matter. Running in place. Sometimes I get tired just from moving. Just trying to maneuver my body. My head weighs a ton. I struggle to push words out of my mouth.
I’ll lay down for a little while. Six hours later I’m still laying down. I’m still tired. I’m still feeling low.
Staring at the wall. Eyes red. Pillow wet. A trail of tears leading to a path of depression.
Humming an Adele song to myself. Rolling In The Deep. A goodnight lullaby hoping for a better day. Trying to drown out negative thoughts.
My circumstance is pretty obvious. Nobody talks about it. Like it’s bad luck to mention it. Nobody is asking me how I’m doing.
Mama told me to find God before he finds me. So, I prayed for inner peace. And wished for the best. But sad feelings still rule the day. How did they get inside? How do they control me?
Addicted to the chaos. Confused when I’m not sick. Not hung over. Not distressed. Relief never last long. My aliment always has me speeding to the next pain.
Sometimes I free my mind. But tingling fingers and quick spine shocks remind me of my condition. Giving me memories that never happened. Creating a hunger for normalcy.
Every day I play cards with the devil. Knowing I’m going to lose. But not knowing when it is going to happen.
Constantly walking through a minefield. Trying to scale back the anxiety. In the distance, I can hear the encouragement in my head. Positive thoughts in the back of my psyche. Standing ovations for every move I make. But really, my mind is playing tricks on me. My body knows the truth.
Tempted. Reaching for Angel’s hands. Still loving my life. But struggling with the unknown.
I go to doctor’s appointments hoping something has changed. Excited to hear his new opinion. But his new opinion is always the same as his old opinion.
The answer is close. We have made so many advances over the last couple of years.
That’s all great. But what do I do while my body slowly falls apart? I guess I just trust it will all work out. And remain foolishly patient.