Greater Than Myself

You don’t know my God!

“There is no passion to be found playing small – in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living.” – Nelson Mandela

Strange how I continue to pray to a God, who has put me or has allowed me to be this way.

I went to my neurologist yesterday, a visit that never offers comforting answers or clever solutions. He does his job. He is a bona fide neurologist. Not God, that’s for sure.

Years ago, when I was first diagnosed, I received an MRI (magnetic resonance image) scan. The MRI is a diagnostic tool used to treat multiple sclerosis. It tells doctors how many lesions or scars you have on your brain (hence multiple). Every time you get a new lesion they proceed to change your medication. I have in turn tried nearly all medications that are offered including chemotherapy.

I nevertheless asked my doctor, “Why have I not had an MRI recently?” (Keep in mind he is the same doctor that already told me, I have too many lesions to count.)

He began explaining that if he did an MRI and it showed new lesions, I’ve already been on all the drugs available. Because of that, there is nothing more they can do for me.

That was hard to hear.

In the past, I would have exclaimed under my breath, “Oh, but you don’t know my God!”

But the truth is neither do I.

I do know however, that through this all, there must be someone greater than myself that has kept me going thus far.

That’s me in church looking for answers.

Author: Nicole Lemelle

My name is Nicole Lemelle. I am a writer, activist and a person living with Multiple Sclerosis. I created My New Normals to educate those who do not understand MS, reassure people with similar plights and inspire everyone to seize command of their lives.

23 thoughts on “Greater Than Myself”

    1. I love reading your pages, I too have ms. I look so healthy people tell me, I feel like I am waiting for the shoe to drop. My lesions keep me from having conversations, reading books, using my imagination when I want to. Nothing is on demand. It gets pretty lonely. But hey, I look so pretty ! My God is a wonderful God, he is with me all the time, what am I learning from all of this? Patients, understanding, love. So, be patient with yourselves my friends, love yourselves my friends, and be understanding my friends. We came in with love and we go out with love. BE LOVE

      1. answer to self, I can walk, I can talk I can see and hear, what do I have to complain about? I am just in a blue mood today. I think Ill go color my hair, that will make me feel better right? Wow I sound like a commercial!
        I do think I need a change in my antidepressant meds .wheepy for a few days…. whew. What a brat I am today putting this in writing. Well Im gonna wash that gray right out of my hair !!!!!!!!!!


  1. Nicole, in my humble opinion, there are no answers, only questions. Life then becomes a challenge to learn how to thrive while accepting the questions. I am the daughter of pastors who seemed more certain of answers than I. I have come to appreciate The Old Testament books of Job and Ecclesiastes, which are powerful reminders that the imponderable may be just that. Then it comes down to choosing to believe through faith. Speaking for myself, sometimes I pull it off. Often I do not.

  2. Nicole,
    I will not pretend to understand your pain and suffering in dealing with MS, but I do have a father with an aggressive form. He has struggled mightily in recent years. But one thing that I do know is my own struggle, and my God. Here is what I know – God is not doing this to you.
    In a world taken over by sin (Satan) since the days of Adam & Eve, God simply offers us a way out via his son Jesus. God gave Satan dominion over the earth, and with that came all the sin and destruction (sickness, war, immorality) he wanted to create. God can step in, but it’s his choice when he does. I “think” that as the world has gotten more sinful, we see less true miracles. That is just a side theory.
    Here is what I believe – we were created. Why? To worship the God that created us – why else would he create us? So worship that God, over and over, day and night, year after year. Focus on God, not your condition. Focus on his mission for us – to worship and spread the word about his savior and son Jesus, not your condition. God loves you – and the few years you spend on this earth will mean nothing in ETERNITY.
    Nothing breaks the evil cycle more than to see a person suffering with a loving smile toward God. You will be rewarded for that – it just may not be the way you think you want right now.
    In Christ’s Love.

    1. Brad, thank you very much! I really needed that! I do appreciate the way you explain that to me. it’s comforting to know that God has sent me a way out via Jesus. nothing new just forgotten good news

  3. Hi Nicole have you ever thought of changing your specialist? Due to my insurance co. I had to recently switch Doctors myself. This new Dr. has totally different beliefs etc. than my previous. However I just underwent an MRI and more. All testing very expensive as I’m sure you are well aware. Not insurance friendly at all! That just wasn’t cool what your Dr. said. I was very apprehensive with my switch. So far so good, this is why I ask. I wish you all the best. Please consider your options YOU are worth an MRI and more! Take care. Looking forward to your next post

  4. I’ve never asked why. I’ve never had to. We may not know G-d; but He knows us. The reasons He gives us what path we have to tread is never known to us, never foretold to us. We shoulder the burdens, whether gracefully or ungracefully, as best we know how. The “why” of it isn’t to make us crazy; it’s a teaching tool…to show us what we are capable of…to make us understand faith. It’s what our Talmud teaches us. I am only a work in progress, not yet whole. Thankfully so.

  5. Thank you for this article Nicole! I feel this way so often. I pray and I go to church, but sometimes there is the question of a God that can allow this suffering. I don’t doubt for a minute that there is a higher power. I truly believe that I am supposed to do something with this crazy exsistence I have. I may not know what that is yet, but I believe this is my life for a reason. There has to be a reason that a higher power continues to allow me to go through this. MS certainly leaves much excitement for me in every day. I keep fighting, since there isn’t another option that I am aware of.

  6. I can’t believe your Dr. would say there’s nothing more to do for you. There’s always more you can do. Ever try any alternative treatments? Accupuncture, massage, herbs and supplements? There is never an “ending” point of which to stop trying. Never give up hope! Its what keeps us going! And that, my friend, has been proven.

  7. I can relate to your story.. To help me process my feelings, I write poetry. All about the struggle and all about the One greater than myself. Let me know if you would like the password to my website/blog


  9. I love your raw honesty, Nicole. From the onset on my illness I have alternately questioned, trusted, and doubted the role of God in all this. I also have too many lesions to count, and have given all the meds a fair try. I’ve spent tens of thousands of dollars on natural remedies. Nothing has made one bit of difference. One part of me wants to ask WHY? One part of me wants to believe this is all part of a divine plan that I cannot begin to comprehend or appreciate. I pray, not for physical healing, but for what we Jews refer to as refuach shlema. Healing not just of the body, but of the whole self. I offer prayers of humble thanks and and praise to a God who is greater than I. And every now and then there is still the niggling question. Why?

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.