“The fears are paper tigers. You can do anything you decide to do. You can act to change and control your life; and the procedure, the process is its own reward.” ~ Amelia Earhart
I’ve become a spectator in my own life. No control. No say. No power over what’s happening to me. And it’s my own fault. I let someone else be the driver while I comfortably recline back in the passenger seat. Hypnotized by the easy route. I’ve become no more than a passionless piece of cargo being hauled from one doctor’s appointment to another. Drawn to the effortlessness of an unperturbed existence. Where all decisions about my life are left up to others and I’m pretty much unseen.
Apathy is like being trapped in an endless tunnel with only a glimmer of sunlight in the forefront. And once you reach the tunnel’s end, the light quickly disappears and you continue on the same dark road as before. I’ve been down this path so many times I’ve memorized the way. There’s no need for directions. I just sit back and let life happen to me.
This occurs because I’m scared to take charge. So much, I shrink from the anxiety of making decisions. At times, I feel so small; nothing grows but my fears about the future.
If I let other people make my choices, I’ll have someone to blame. I’ll have someone to point the finger at when things don’t go right.
But I’m growing tired of thinking this way. I recognize I need to be the driver and take control. So instead of blindly following a course, piloted by someone else. I am taking back the wheel and telling everyone, “Look at me! I’m the captain now! I’m in charge of my life!”
Thank you fir sharing. The demon apathy is my companion often as well. You have inspired me to start to shake it off. 🙂
Nicole – YOU are your own best doctor! Be confident in your knowledge of the disease and how it is affecting YOU! I have found that a great many doctors, although they say they are treating you personally, revert to what works for the general, average MS population. You are unique, Nicole. You can take control of your MS ship. Look at your medications, your diet, your physical activity, your symptoms — could some things be unrelated to MS? Study your blood tests, your MRI’s — do you have structural issues that compromise the autonomic nervous system which in turn mimics MS symptoms. Strip yourself of pre-conceived ideas — create a new bucket list. It is a long road – but, you are strong and you have a supportive husband. You Go Girl!
Your post scares me for you. That letting go and apathy towards continuing to try screams depression to me. Beware, over half of us with MS develop clinical depression. If you have recently switched meds (and I think you wrote that you have) I would urge you to share the thoughts in this posting with your neurologist or psychologist. Note, I am not a psychologist or a doctor, I have just heard very similar thoughts from friends going through very rough times. In truth, I have felt them too.
I remember spending a couple of lunches with a homeless man near my work years ago. I was startled at his answer to what I thought were two very basic questions,”Micheal, what’s a good day for you? What would make tomorrow a better day?” He couldn’t answer because he could no longer imagine what better is. His answer to all such questions was “The world is good because God is good. God is good because the word is good. The word is good because the world is good.”
Ever since then, I have become hyper vigilant with my own thoughts to attempt never to lose sight of “better” even if my attempts at it sometimes feel like chasing a will-o-wisp down the sometimes dark tunnel of my reality.
GEOF,
your vigilance is much appreciated. I am doing fine over here. Don’t worry I take plenty meds for my head!
Nicole,
I always look forward to your blog as you speak for all of us ! We have to stand up for ourselves and educate others.
Vivian, I agree.
Bravo! And so, NEW-NESS begins…
Robert, You’re right. It’s only hard because I do need a certain amount of help.
Good for you friend!!! Decisions are so hard for me- mostly because thinking about them and trying to choose is so overwhelming and I feel the need to analyze EVERYTHING!! Ah, I try though- like all things on this journey- one tiny step at a time…
Yvonne, take your time.
I have to be the captain of my life because there is no one else in line to take the job.
I have no one to take care of me, no husband, not children. I do feel sad about that sometimes but then I quickly realize, I probably take better care of myself since I am am not distracted with others needs. Be thankful for all things. One thing you are in control of Nicole is this blog. Yes, this blog the one that we all love to read. Please keep writing. Thank you. With much love and friendship to you.
Mary
Mary. Well put.
Nicole well done!
Stay in the moment.