“My secrets must be poetic to be believable.” ~ Mick Jagger
Napping all day. Alarm clock turned off. Please don’t wake me. Gimme Shelter. I want to stay a sleep until the evil leaves. Dozing until I feel better. Existing in a culture of trauma. A Beast of Burden. God and monsters rule my life. Every day I pray for help. But the heavens seem to only watch as a demon destroys me from the inside.
Annoyed at the world. Frustrated with life. Furious at the Universe. The preacher tells me it’s no one’s fault. But I can’t help it. I’m still mad.
In private, wrestling with God. Pointing my finger to the sky and asking why. In public, smiling and masking how I really feel. Trying to save face by living a lie. Talking to myself because no one understands. Keeping it inside so they don’t think I’m crazy.
Insecure. Living in my head. Sharing my mind with double negative thoughts. I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.
I try to distract myself. But madness is a magnet that keeps attracting me. News headlines make me worry. The stories my husband tells me of his childhood make me sad. And the words of the people in charge confuse me.
I stay prepared for anything. The unexpected. I’m Jumpin’ Jack Flash. Keith Richards on bass. Spending my days hitchhiking with therapeutic medications close at hand. It helps to Start Me Up. Meditation and slow breathing keep me calm in crisis. Cooling vest and ice water regulates my temperature. Sleeping with my fingers crossed wishing the universe will allow me to wake up to see the sunrise at least one more time.
Sometimes I’m afraid of living in this world. But I’m also inspired by the beauty of humankind. I still believe in miracles. I still love life. And that love makes me happy. Even when existing in this body is hard.
The cynics say You Can’t Always Get What You Want. But that will not stop me from trying. I’ll just keep going like a rolling stone.