“Never, never, never give up.” ~ Winston Churchill
I guess my anger for MS comes in waves. Unfortunately, for my family and friends, right now it’s a tidal wave. Some days I just want to smash something. And other times I don’t feel anything at all.
I wish I could spread my wings and fly but MS has this weird influence over me. It keeps tugging at my sleeve. Holding me back. Reminding me of what I can’t do. So much so that I get stuck and I don’t know how to move on. To often I find myself fighting through tears. Spending all day trying to find my way.
Sometimes I sit on my bed and look towards the sky. I silently scream for help, while my head hangs in a noose no one can see. Wishing someone would write an executive order to fund new treatments. Being overwhelmed by stretches of sadness that appear with every exacerbation.
For comfort I read blogs about miracle diets and remedies that fuel my fantasies of living MS free. While a spooky force of new symptoms blows down my straw house of confidence built by my trust in the newest $100,000 medication.
At times I don’t talk because the static in my head is so loud. It’s like the lesions are screaming at me. They always zap my energy. Paralyzing my cognitive skills. Impairing my abilities to successfully communicate ideas. Causing my words to keep tripping over my thoughts. Not allowing me to verbalize my answers. So I say nothing.
This lack of expression leads some people to say I’ve given up. Some call it depression. And others tell me I’ve changed. And I know it may appear that way from the outside but I don’t think it is true. I spend thousands of dollars I don’t have, trying to improve my quality of life. Buying medicine. Seeing doctors. Going to therapy. I do all of this in an effort to live a happy life. Would a person who has given up do that?
I see MS as something that could crumble empires. So forgive me if I can’t always keep it together. But I will always try. My life story may not have turned out like I thought. But I’m still here. And I will never give up.