“You have to find your peace within the chaos and still find some sort of mission.” ~ Ta-Nehisi Coates

I’m the Mad Hatter. Feeling looney. Alice falling down the rabbit-hole. Waking up lost. Joseph and Mary following a star. Bacon and eggs with a side of depression at breakfast. Unable to see the forest for the trees.

Why am I so tired? Can’t get my bearings before morning medication. The ambiguity is taking a toll on me. Making my heart blue. My thoughts frantic. My weeping common. Such a tortured time.

Soul touching sorrow saturates my bones. Filling me up. Flooding me with grief. Keeping me trapped in my own mind.

Anxious. Quarantining on the weekends. Listening to The Weeknd. Needing to be outside. Watching Inside Amy Schumer.

A different colored mask for every day. Paranoid. The newspaper says the pandemic is over. But I can’t afford to get sick cause I’m already sick.

The room is spinning. There is a high-pitched ringing in my ears. Sitting sideways. Standing off-balanced. Vertigo. Eating prescribed poison trying to stay functional. The pharmacist keeps my mouth full. Helping me make it through the day. But these side effects got me feeling like I’m playing games with my life. Taking medication, I know nothing about. Ten stories up. Jumping out the window with no parachute.

Lusting to be cured. Swimming in a deadly sin. One transgression down and six more to go. Eyes blood shot red. Water crystals stain my face. You can see the imperfections even when I’m not crying.

Afraid of losing touch with friends. Sad because they have the life I desire. Tired of feeling like I deserve better. Furious I got a circumstance no one wants.

Living out of sync. Scared of my own shadow. My broken parts terrify me. Dismissing the facts. Denying what I know is true.

Medicine always on call. Sleeping pills close at hand. Napping until the anxieties are gone. That’s how I cope.

A no mirror policy in my house. Shielding my eyes from my reflection. Sometimes angry for no apparent reason. Cremating my feelings so I don’t scare people away.

Mouth stays dry from swallowing so much pain. Eyes stay wet from all the lies people tell me. You can smell the stench of heartache on my breath. Hear the torture in my words. Taste the grief on my lips.

Constantly looking for peace. Looking for happiness. Looking for something secure. Feeling crazy like that glue. Swimming in faith while drowning in reality. Tired of being tired. If I could end the sorrow, I would do anything. Give anything. Cross my heart. Hope to live pain free.

Attempting to go unnoticed while wall walking through life. Struggling to fit in. I take it one day at a time. Trying to be patient. But it’s getting so late. I’m getting so old. And this sequence is getting so tedious. Making me a living contradiction.

Touched by an angel. Because I’m still here. But the devil is never far away. Residing inside my body. Controlling my movements. Obscuring some of my greatest life moments and childhood memories.

Trapping me between the sands and the ocean. Closing the walls in on me. The pressure so great I can’t see clearly. Adsorbing all the air from my lungs. Paralyzing my vocal cords. Blurry vision is common place.

Ending my day sitting motionless in my chair. Watching Seinfeld reruns as the television and my body tells me, “No soup for you.”

*This Post Is Featured In HealthCentral 3-Part Video Series My Chronic Life: A Voice for MS.