“We don’t create a fantasy world to escape reality. We create it to be able to stay.” ~ Lynda Barry
What do you do when you don’t fit in the box? When you are not like everyone else? How do you find solace?
Everything and nothing in my life is normal. I can be in a store and not remember what I needed to purchase. Out of nowhere, my left hand can stop working. I can be at my own home. And for a moment. A very scary moment. Forget where I am.
That kind of stuff causes me to lose sleep. To wake up crying. To feel there is no escape.
As a result, sometimes I use my mind to elude my circumstance. When I feel like I don’t belong here. And maybe I shouldn’t be here. When I want to move to the other side of the earth. Possibly the other side of the moon.
When it just gets to be too much. I’m ready. Ready to get away. Suspending all disbelief. I close my eyes and board my paper airplane. Meditating about the joy of living free from symptoms. Sitting in silence. Waiting for nirvana. Wishing my troubles away. Relax, fantasize and dream.
A retreat. Spending some time not in this place. Taking an airlift in my thoughts to a vacation spot. First class. Flying 30,000 feet above the ground. No turbulence. No crying babies. No fasten seat belt signs. Just calm skies.
I try to stay as long as I can. Because when I live in my head, I do everything right. I feel safe. Escaping reality. Sleepwalking in my dreams like I’m healthy even though I have trouble controlling my body when I’m awake.
In my mind, I’m a nomad roaming the world like a lone drifter searching for answers to my problems. I’ve done it so much, sometimes I get lost in my dreams for a better existence.
And somehow after every getaway, when I land back on earth, my life becomes stable. Making me a much happier person.
And in the back of my mind, I’m always wanting to take another trip. Board another flight. Climb on my paper plane and float away.
thank you for sharing such beautiful thoughts!
It my waking hours, trying to do more than I can really gets to me. I’m beginning to let go of the big chores of living and getting the mind-set of “it’s not the end of the world” so I do what I can and let go the the things I can’t control.
I love you posts, you have such a gift.
I have another life in my dreams where I’m running through grass, jumping on rock while hiking, dancing at the girl’s weddings. I wake up wanting to go back to sleep, I want to continue being the independent soul that I should be.
I always enjoy your posts about life with MS. We all have the capacity to meander many places in our minds. Thank your for this. ❤️❤️
I wish I could be a passenger on your paper airplane ride.
Lovely, thank you.
Omg…. The angst. Made me cry, Nicole. You write so beautifully.
I believe many of us would like to be a passenger on that paper plane with you. More and more we witness the disintegration of any moral compass in our world. Great post! -Reno
Paper Airplanes sounds worth a try. I
Usually pray and meditate…now I can
go places .
Thanks for sharing Paper Airplanes.
I loved this post. I too day dream about making independent plans, walking easily, remembering why I came into a room and even dancing, but those memories are still part of us and day dreaming is part of our quiet reality too. Stay strong.