“We don’t create a fantasy world to escape reality. We create it to be able to stay.” ~ Lynda Barry
What do you do when you don’t fit in the box? When you are not like everyone else? How do you find solace?
Everything and nothing in my life is normal. I can be in a store and not remember what I needed to purchase. Out of nowhere, my left hand can stop working. I can be at my own home. And for a moment. A very scary moment. Forget where I am.
That kind of stuff causes me to lose sleep. To wake up crying. To feel there is no escape.
As a result, sometimes I use my mind to elude my circumstance. When I feel like I don’t belong here. And maybe I shouldn’t be here. When I want to move to the other side of the earth. Possibly the other side of the moon.
When it just gets to be too much. I’m ready. Ready to get away. Suspending all disbelief. I close my eyes and board my paper airplane. Meditating about the joy of living free from symptoms. Sitting in silence. Waiting for nirvana. Wishing my troubles away. Relax, fantasize and dream.
A retreat. Spending some time not in this place. Taking an airlift in my thoughts to a vacation spot. First class. Flying 30,000 feet above the ground. No turbulence. No crying babies. No fasten seat belt signs. Just calm skies.
I try to stay as long as I can. Because when I live in my head, I do everything right. I feel safe. Escaping reality. Sleepwalking in my dreams like I’m healthy even though I have trouble controlling my body when I’m awake.
In my mind, I’m a nomad roaming the world like a lone drifter searching for answers to my problems. I’ve done it so much, sometimes I get lost in my dreams for a better existence.
And somehow after every getaway, when I land back on earth, my life becomes stable. Making me a much happier person.
And in the back of my mind, I’m always wanting to take another trip. Board another flight. Climb on my paper plane and float away.