“Success is dependent on effort.” ~ Sophocles
One of the worst things about the state of my health is the dependency on my husband for … EVERYTHING! OK, that might be a bit melodramatic. It just feels like everything.
I’m constantly yelling his name. “TOMMY!” It aggravates me to need something and not be able to get it for myself. It’s an especially annoying dependency because most times what I want may be as simple as my purse, opening the blinds, or locating my shoes.
In one instance, I asked him to go into our bedroom, look in my jewelry box and bring me my choker. Even after giving him a tutorial on what a choker is, it still took him a while to find it. Four minutes later, he finally returned. He handed me the choker and promptly left the room before I could ask him to place it around my neck. So I tried to put it on myself. But my fingers fail to open it. Darn it!
Meanwhile, I know he has every right to be busy doing something for his own enjoyment, although chances are that he is preparing dinner or washing clothes. This only serves to heighten my frustration. He is such a good caregiver/husband and I can only bark so loud. How can I be so selfish? How can I be so dependent?
I like to blame everything on MS. But I realize I hold the responsibility for how I respond to these maddening situations. I think I have become too reliant on other people to do task for me. I admit, I can probably do some of those things for myself or should at least try and attempt to do it.
So this time, I took a brief respite. I simply sat a little while longer than I had initially planned. I gathered myself and decided not to yell for my husband. I’m sure my shrieking voice tends to aggravate him as well.
After four attempts at opening the hook and a few curse words, I finally put the necklace on. In one motion I was able to awkwardly place it around my neck and clasp it closed. I then took a big inhale, a bigger exhale, and relished in my small independent accomplishment.
I think my lack of trying has to do with my fear of failing. I constantly stumble and fall, not only over my own feet but also over all the reasons why I can’t put forward an effort any more. I fear seeing up close and personal what MS has taken from me. So instead of facing that fear, I simply yell, “TOMMY!”
But guess what? Not today. Today I confronted my fear and I won. And I feel great about that. But a part of me is still sad because I just never imagined myself being this dependent on anybody.
As I read your message today all I could do was just say ‘DITTO’ to every one of your comments–except that I could not even have done what you did! I too have a wonderful husband and an overwhelming sense of neediness!
Thank you!
Nicole,
It is challenging to be dependent on your spouse and I agree with you that you have to call out their name too often. We are refined through affliction. Isaiah 48:10. Keep blogging as we all need this inspiration from you!!!!❤️
Vivian, I needed that! Thanks.
Thank you for your honesty, Nicole. I have been really stubborn and reluctant to enlist in home help (paid thru my county) with housework, but im now at the place where i have to. I have a 15 year old daughter who does do chores but i need help with all sorts of other things that I’m now swamped in and i find myself feeling demoralized by my disability and then i get really bitchy because of it all. Clutter and incoordination are enemies and it overwhelms me. I just need to pick up the 100 pound telephone to initiate the assessment for inhome support services. I know logically that acceptance is a process, and that bringing in a carer will improve my quality of life and keep me living safely and independently in my home. Wishing each of you well.
Kim,you said it all out perfectly
Thank you for this! I know my husband helps me with so much, but I feel bad asking for help. He didn’t ask for this as much as I didn’t ask for it. I feel awful when I yell at him through my frustrations (and it definitely happens, to the point where I cried over it yesterday) I swear its like you watched us when you wrote this!
Don’t be sad my friend. For though MS makes independence near impossible, one should smile to be dependent on what seems to be true love. The truest of love is a golden prize that not everyone gets to experience, and a life without that love is much more painful than anything MS could ever cause.
The next time something happens, and you need to yell for your husband, just remember: you are blessed in so many ways. MS can beat you down, but it can NOT take away what you have obtained.
Stay strong Nicole! Keep smiling that beautiful smile and embrace your golden prize.
Namaste, good soul. Thanks for sharing, as always!
I could have written your post! I feel the same way — I ask so much from my own Tom, and I can’t stand it. I, too, try to extend my borders and do things for myself, if for no other reason than self-satisfaction. He never lets me get down on myself…”You didn’t ask for MS. It abducted you!” Then he helps me do whatever. Aren’t we fortunate to have such great Toms?
Muff, YES
Great job for trying and succeeding but it’s ok to fail and ask for help. It’s ok but it’s really hard! Keep trying because that makes you stronger and more resilient. This disease sucks!!
Thank you for sharing again. And thank you for your honesty. You may feel sadness at the dependence but I hope it is a strength to know how many of us you help by sharing your experiences. It helps me a great deal to read your struggles and your words of encouragement.
You’re so fortunate to have someone who will do things for you. My husband lives with me but almost always goes into a rage when I ask for help with anything, even as simple as reaching something that’s out of my reach. And most of our house is out of my reach. The other day I asked him if he could get me down a bowl. I’d just returned from and hour of yoga and an hour of swimming and I was famished. Normally I’d eat a piece of fruit so I don’t have to bother him, but we were all out of fruit. I decided on a bowl of cereal. He ignored my request to reach me a bowl, so I asked again. He went into a rage and said, “Why don’t I just put ALL the dishes on the floor? Then you’ll never have to ask for anything again!” He ranted like this for a long time, then stormed out of the house and drove away. It’s always like that when I ask for help. I have no muscle function from the chest down, and little use of my hands and arms. Just dressing myself, showering, or dragging my body on and off the toilet is a monumental task that leaves me shaking and gasping for breath. I dread the day I have to ask him for help with something more personal than reaching a cereal bowl.
I’M SORRY LAURIE FOR YOUR UNFORTUNATE SITUATION, BUT JUST OUT OF MY OWN CURIOSITY, WHY ARE YOU STILL WITH HIM? HE IS NOT HELPING YOU & MORE THAN LIKELY CONTRIBUTING TO YOUR DISABILITY. I DO AS UCH AS I CAN, WHICH ISN’T A WHOLE LOT, BUT I AM ALONE ALL DAY WHILE MY HUSBAND IS WORKING, NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT HE’S BEEN IN SPAIN SINCE 7/20 & WON’T BE HOME UNTIL 8/17. I HAVE TO HAVE SOMEONE SPEND NIGHTS W/ME & I CAN’T SHOWER ON MY OWN AND DID I MENTION I’M CONFINED TO A SCOOTER 24/7, NO USE OF MY ENTIRE LEFT SIDE & TYPE W/ONE FINGER? BUT MY HUSBAND & FAMILY ARE WONDERFUL & THAT MAKES IT BEARABLE, IF IT CAN BE.
Laurie, God bless you. Hang in there.
good timing on the blog I too just had a weekend of thinking I want to bake a cake who will help me. Feeling frustrated but i have a great guy who puts up with my help! help!.
Good for you. Sometimes it is hard to not want to help you all of the time. I hate asking you if you need help but I don’t like seeing you struggle. We all need to be more patient I guess. I am glad that you are trying a new approach and remember that some days are always goint to be more difficult than others so never be afraid to ask for help as there are a lot of people who love you and want to help.
Sios, that’s good to know .