“Thank you’ is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.” ~ Alice Walker
Forgive me for being inactive. I’ve been experiencing a lot of symptoms lately.
I know you haven’t heard from me in a while. But it’s hard to be creative when most of my energy is being used to keep myself from collapsing on the floor. I can’t return text. I can’t focus on social media. I’ve missed all your calls.
It’s because I’m so preoccupied. All of my focus has been on myself. I feel like I have to be self-absorbed. My mind’s not right. I’m constantly being distracted. It’s a full time job just trying to function. Trying to fight off fatigue. Trying to fit in with everyone else.
Blurry vision. Foot drag. Spasms. Weakness. Fear. These are just some of the bad habits I’ve been trying to kick.
Six months ago, exacerbations totally took over my world. I was hospitalized five times in one year. And I can’t stop thinking about it because I still have the scars to serve as a reminder.
It was difficult to see value in myself when I had so many broken parts. My legs didn’t work. My voice was weak. My thinking and memory were cloudy. I had pain I hope no one ever experiences.
But somehow I didn’t see myself as worthless. I devoted my energy to events I could still control. Emphasizing what I had power over. The parts of me the disease couldn’t touch.
My body may be deceiving me but I still have a beautiful mind. I still have trust. I still have love.
I employ these attributes in my daily life. Directing my thoughts to positive moments. Reminding myself that all my daily efforts aren’t filled with missteps.
I want to tell you, thank you for your patience. I’m back, for now. I’m back because when I speak. When I tell my story. I feel better. And those who can relate feel better.
I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my ramblings. Thank you for your patience.
Dear Nicole,
THANKS, sorry in too much pain to continue.
Hello beautiful lady,
Thank you for your sharing, every single bit of it. I’ve been struggling with my own symptoms for years and only recently got a diagnosis. By reading your other posts, and all of the comments, it seems that I am certainly not the only one who finds comfort in your words. Thank you.
I know you may have heard this, but I need to mention as I haven’t come across it yet on your blog; I really hope it to be helpful.
I recently discovered Dr. Terry Wahls TEDX talk, ‘Minding my mitochondria’ and after watching I was very intrigued. She gives the outline of her lifestyle changes in the video but I wanted to know more, so I bought her book; ‘The Wahls Protocol’
I hate that I sound like I am trying to advertise, I would never fill your blog with spam unless I thought it may help you or anyone else who reads this. For myself, this book was the best $20 I have ever spent in terms of my health. Personally, I admit I have wasted tons of money trying desperately to find something that will help. Anything that would help.
This book was helpful to me in that she explains how the biochemistry of our bodies work and what vitamins, minerals, nutrients and exercise it needs to effectively function, and what may manifest if they are not functioning effectively. To put it simply; how and why our bodies work, and what may be causing them to malfunction at a cellular level. At no point does she expect you to ‘take her word for it’. The book provides an incredible amount of information and references. I found it helpful, and I sure hope someone else might as well.
Much love and good health xo
Welcome back Nicole. I worried that something was going wrong when you stopped writing. I know that all of your readers hoped you were ok and are just happy to hear from you, Those of of us affected with MS fully understand there are times when you cannot reach out, you have to reach in due to the multitude of physical and emotional chaos that this disease bestows upon us.I think we all are trying to fight to stay in the game of life and keep up with everyone else and that is a very tiring battle, at least it is for me. Like you, sometimes I just don’t have enough in me left to share, the focus is all on me trying to overcome fatigue, pain, depression or body parts that aren’t working. So yes I understand and feel your story. I am so glad you found a moment to peek in and let us know you are still there and “ok”.
Love you Nicole and very happy to have you back, for many, many reasons!!
I’m glad your back. Thank you for writing it’s much appreciated
Thank you for opening up to share your story. I, too, live with ms, diagnosed 1992. Your bright light shines through your words. I will hang on to your brave words. God loves you and so do I ♥️
Welcome back! it’s good to hear from you and I send my hugs and good thoughts your way. You were missed and know that you are strong, and we need to hear from you when are able. Thank you for sharing with all of us. It helps!!!
Dear Nicole,
no thanks is needed. We may not be going through the same things but we are all in this together. Thank YOU for continuing to share your story with us. Your courage encourages us.
Bless you Sisterfriend!
Rachel
Nicole,
I missed your blog and so glad to hear from you!! It is not fair what MS does To us. I dreamt a vivid dream about flying above a green field and know that when we pass we will fly away without crutches or wheelchairs! I’ ll fly away some morning, I’ll fly away, when I die, Hallelujah, by and by, I’ll fly away. I love that song. I close my eyes and pray and visualize flying without any impediments or stares!! Freedom! Thank you for sharing your life. I am glad you have a kind husband who cares about you.
God Bless You,
Vivian
Thank you for all the beautiful texts that you write. I have been thinking about you since last time you wrote. Great to hear that you still have spirit. Love from Helen/Sweden
Glad you are back. Have thought of you often.
Nicole, I figured you were having a harder time. No worries. I still look forward to hearing from you, no matter how infrequent. Thank you for making the effort.
Newbie to this site. Helped me more than you can know to hear your update. Have had MS since 1985 & got foot drop in 2013. Still somewhat mobile and have wheelchair waiting in the wings. I too experience much of what you describe and it is difficult to keep on trucking with positivity but with the constant help from my Lord I’m able to.Thank you so much for your honesty. God bless you.
Thank you so much for the effort it must take to share your story. I still have your picture on my dresser and every day I thank you for helping to keep me grounded. My efforts to cope with my MS symptoms sometimes prevents me from seeing the good that is still in every day. It is so good to hear from you again. Barbara Allen
Nicole,
Our bodies may be broken, but the light from our spirits does not diminish, despite the ravishes of this horrible monster. Yours shines through with profound brightness. Never forget that the world is a better place because you are HERE.
We all love you Nicole and understand needing some time of. Take care of yourself.
Hugs!!!!!
Good to hear from you! God bless!
Welcome back. It’s okay to go AWOL sometimes
Dear Nicole, It was so good to hear from you! I think about you everyday. You are such an inspiration. I, too have had setbacks the last 4 months, though not as severe as yours. There are days i cry and ask why me. You give me courage to go forward. Bless you.
Sue