“Thank you’ is the best prayer that anyone could say. I say that one a lot. Thank you expresses extreme gratitude, humility, understanding.” ~ Alice Walker
Forgive me for being inactive. I’ve been experiencing a lot of symptoms lately.
I know you haven’t heard from me in a while. But it’s hard to be creative when most of my energy is being used to keep myself from collapsing on the floor. I can’t return text. I can’t focus on social media. I’ve missed all your calls.
It’s because I’m so preoccupied. All of my focus has been on myself. I feel like I have to be self-absorbed. My mind’s not right. I’m constantly being distracted. It’s a full time job just trying to function. Trying to fight off fatigue. Trying to fit in with everyone else.
Blurry vision. Foot drag. Spasms. Weakness. Fear. These are just some of the bad habits I’ve been trying to kick.
Six months ago, exacerbations totally took over my world. I was hospitalized five times in one year. And I can’t stop thinking about it because I still have the scars to serve as a reminder.
It was difficult to see value in myself when I had so many broken parts. My legs didn’t work. My voice was weak. My thinking and memory were cloudy. I had pain I hope no one ever experiences.
But somehow I didn’t see myself as worthless. I devoted my energy to events I could still control. Emphasizing what I had power over. The parts of me the disease couldn’t touch.
My body may be deceiving me but I still have a beautiful mind. I still have trust. I still have love.
I employ these attributes in my daily life. Directing my thoughts to positive moments. Reminding myself that all my daily efforts aren’t filled with missteps.
I want to tell you, thank you for your patience. I’m back, for now. I’m back because when I speak. When I tell my story. I feel better. And those who can relate feel better.
I appreciate everyone who takes the time to read my ramblings. Thank you for your patience.