I definitely see two Nicole’s. To be clear, I mean there is a pre-MS version of me and a post-MS version of me. I’m aware that sounds slightly Schizophrenic, but that’s one of the ways I view my life. (I’m going to touch upon this the next time I see my head therapist.)
I led a completely different life before I had MS. There’s a definite before and after distinction. Similar to the before the storm (Katrina) and after the storm New Orleanians speak of. The entire city changed structurally and mentally. I can even once again reference 9/11. Now, that one I know you can relate to. Some say things will never be same, at least not in our airports!
As far as before MS an after MS, someone online told me they didn’t share the same view. She said she sees it all as her life. I snubbed her opinion and figured she must still be able to walk! I mean I cannot stress enough how much MS has snatched from me. In turn, I don’t have the luxury of WALKING, WORKING or DRIVING (W.W.D.). So I refer to the time period when I could do those things as THE BEFORE.
I see now that right along with W.W.D. comes a subtle air of independence and worth. That is what I have lost. That loss hits hard. It sent me to the head therapist! But also it jump started me to start writing and this blog was born.
Okay, my other hobby is reading. I understand that these W.W.D. things may have accounted for my self-sufficiency, but the core of who I am remains untouched. I just have to keep reminding myself.
As for my before and after mentality maybe its making acceptance of what is…harder.
I’m sure Dr. Phil would ask me, “How’s that working for you?”
“How’s that working for you?”
Nicole,
I am thoroughly enjoying your blog. I started at the beginning and this one’s ending made me laugh out loud. I could just hear Dr. Phil saying that!
Thank you for sharing your experiences with MS. You write about things we all think about or go through at some point on this ever-so-bumpy MS path.
Hugs
Mrs Mole, Thanks much. This helps me as well. I’m so thrilled you keep coming back! I think you just made my day!
What a wonderful post! I am just starting out in community management/marketing media and trying to learn how to do it well – resources like this article are very much helpful. As our company is based in the U.S., it’s all a little bit new to us. The example above is something that I worry about as well, how to show your own real enthusiasm and share the fact that your product is beneficial in that case.
Nicole, once again you have hit it. I too have to images of myself and have a distinct problem letting go of the Before person. I do still have the ability to drive and I can still walk, albeit slowly and painfull if up stairs, but I cannot work and that has taken away a lot of human contact. It has also taken away the challenges of my work, which I loved.
Acceptance is hard for me and I work on it all the time.
Best,
Rosie
Rosie, Its so glad To know I’m not alone on this one!
Nicole
THE ENTIRE BLOG FITS MY LIFE . THEN I HAVE TO ADD MY KIDS TO THIS EQUATION. IT IS REALLY HARD. >:~((
Kshanski, Hang in there. I’m so happy to have found you. Funny to think we use walk the walls of SMHS together! 🙂
Nicole
I’m sorry but in the interest of clarity I want to add that my last statement should have read, “I loved being able to walk well.” I can still walk, albeit slowly, for limited distances, dragging my leg, and with the use of a rollator or cane. So I don’t really know what it is like for you in a wheelchair all the time. I only use a wheelchair on occasion. I can only project from my less limited state what it is like for you. And you have every right to hate what it has done to your life.
Judy,
That’s so kind to want to make that clarification! i haven’t read your first comment yet, but I’m sure it is as offensive as you project.
I don’t know you in the flesh, but it sure feels like I do!
Nicole
It is interesting how not being able to walk affects one’s view of MS. I had MS for a very long time but my walking was not affected, except for temporary blips. I recall being “philosophical” like your commenter. Then my walking was affected, and it was as if I had really gotten MS for the first. time I felt like someone recently diagnosed. The impact, as you say, is major and there is definitely a before and after sense about my life. And maybe your commenter is one who cannot walk but has been able to “deal” with it in a way that works for her in a constructive manner. More power to her. I hate it. I loved being able to walk.
Judy,
It’s good to know I’m not crazy! I like your sentiments. It is definitely different.
Nicole
Nicole,
I deeply relate to your before and after scenario. I too am unable to WWD, and am working hard to recover those things. My experience of MS has dramatically changed my life, but I do encourage you to consider not only the things that are no longer here, but also the things that have come to you as a result of this diagnosis. Are you calmer? Are you paying attention to things that you ignored when you were healthier? Are you a better partner? Do you appreciate more things in your life? There is a great book that has really helped me with this: Loving What Is by Byron Katie. This is not about “positive thinking”, but really about looking at what is happening in your life and accepting it — because you cannot change anything that you do not accept first. I encourage you to read this very important book, and I wish you great health (regardless of your WWD!)
Linda,
Yes, I will look into that book. I have always enjoyed reading.
Nicole
Redefining, adapting, accepting, . …
Anger, grieving, . ….
Happy, content, loved . …
Repeat all of the above
Kmilyun, So true. So true.
Nicole
PS. what plugin do you use for comments?
Well said Nicole…like night and day huh?…you describe the monster’s grip like that which I deal with daily…keep on keeping on…
Chuck,
Thanks and I shall!
Nicole