I definitely see two Nicole’s. To be clear, I mean there is a pre-MS version of me and a post-MS version of me. I’m aware that sounds slightly Schizophrenic, but that’s one of the ways I view my life. (I’m going to touch upon this the next time I see my head therapist.)
I led a completely different life before I had MS. There’s a definite before and after distinction. Similar to the before the storm (Katrina) and after the storm New Orleanians speak of. The entire city changed structurally and mentally. I can even once again reference 9/11. Now, that one I know you can relate to. Some say things will never be same, at least not in our airports!
As far as before MS an after MS, someone online told me they didn’t share the same view. She said she sees it all as her life. I snubbed her opinion and figured she must still be able to walk! I mean I cannot stress enough how much MS has snatched from me. In turn, I don’t have the luxury of WALKING, WORKING or DRIVING (W.W.D.). So I refer to the time period when I could do those things as THE BEFORE.
I see now that right along with W.W.D. comes a subtle air of independence and worth. That is what I have lost. That loss hits hard. It sent me to the head therapist! But also it jump started me to start writing and this blog was born.
Okay, my other hobby is reading. I understand that these W.W.D. things may have accounted for my self-sufficiency, but the core of who I am remains untouched. I just have to keep reminding myself.
As for my before and after mentality maybe its making acceptance of what is…harder.
I’m sure Dr. Phil would ask me, “How’s that working for you?”