“He who learns must suffer. And even in our sleep pain that cannot forget falls drop by drop upon the heart, and in our own despair, against our will, comes wisdom to us by the awful grace of God.” ~ Aeschylus

I open my eyes and everything is familiar. But strange. I can’t fill my lungs with air. When breathing is a challenge you know there is a problem.

I can see a reflection on the window to the outside world. It’s me, inside a room, laying down in a hospital bed. Explicitly well-known. All the nurses know my name. An unwanted new found fame. I’m a frequent customer but still don’t want to get used to being in here. I just want to make it home. So, I stay busy trying not to get too comfortable.

Not excited to see the on-duty doctors. They seem to only administer pills, bad news and side effect pain. But never a cure.

The television has become my best friend. But I can’t control the remote like I can’t control my life. Fatigue is in charge. Taking my hands from me. Forcing me to watch Disney cartoons for hours. My words are hurried and stuttering. Moving at the speed of a light-year. Making it hard for the patient care technician to recognize my request to turn the TV channel. Fighting to be seen. Wishing to be heard. To infinity and beyond.

Thinking back, I knew something wasn’t right. I felt strange for an entire week. My body gave me numerous warnings. A train wreck waiting to happen. Therefore, I mostly stayed home. Then a 103 temperature forced me out of the house and into this room. Staring at the walls. Smiling at everyone. But really, I’m terrified. Hiding the ache behind a Joker grin. While the demon inside is laughing at my pain. I don’t want to give it the satisfaction so I chuckle when I really want to cry.

Mad at all my doctors because I’m in sickbay again. But it’s not their fault they’re just men.

I haven’t seen a nurse’s assistant in hours. I guess I’m fighting this battle alone. Chronic drama is controlling the day.

No solid food until they get some test results. Dinner tray comes with no smell. Bon Appetit. So hungry, the apple sauce and protein shake taste like ribeye steaks.

Lots of time to reflect. Living on memories. Dreaming of a past that is no longer relevant. I have to learn to love the new me. And that’s hard when my body is constantly letting me down. How can I love that?

Pondering if my pain is providing profits. I’m the pharmaceutical representative’s best friend. One visit with me, they yield new cars. First class flights. Fine dining. Another physician retires.

The day moves slow in this place. Sleep can’t come fast enough. So, I always request to receive my night medications early. A cup overflowing with pills. A hanging medicine bag oozing liquid prescriptions. I watch as it slowly trickles down the IV tubing into my veins. Enhancing my ever-present drowsiness. Helping me fade into my mind. Manifesting happiness. Goodnight until tomorrow. A transport rocket of vivid dreams sent from heaven. Bringing me some peace like a reliable trusted friend wondering where I have been.