I came across this blog entitled Letters to M.S. The blogger encourages readers to send in their authentic angry, tear filled, heart felt compositions. These letters are the naked truth exposed for all to see. As I read them, I have to say the mainstream emotion was anger. There is a saying that posits if one picks up a hot coal with the intent on throwing it at someone (MS), in the process it’s you (the thrower) that ends up getting blistered and burned. I know that it can’t be healthy to carry around such piercing raw rage and hatred or resentment. But there are times that I do. From my reading it sounds like it may be among many other common denominators we MSers share.
Of course this encouraged me to think about my own supposed letter. I actually sat down today with intentions of drafting this letter. But I failed. The emotions (anger and sadness) that the idea said letter conjures up are so heated I can’t even put them to words. The fury is definitely there, but I don’t want to release it to you. Please trust it’s there.
I’m taming it. I know it is there. It will probably always be there. In a way that kind of empowers me? Let me explain. I know the resentment is there, but I don’t allow my attitude to be affected by it. In this way I am in total control of my outlook on things. It is a daily battle to not allow my anger or sadness to discolor my perception, I am in control.
I acknowledge MS has contaminated the basic aspects of my life.
I know I have lost contact with certain friends and family members at lease in part because of how I have handled its intrusion on my life. There are certain relationships that couldn’t take its strain. I only permit its weight because I have to, others don’t.
I have to let myself feel it (hurt, bitterness, sad) when it happens. My goal is to address these emotions when they appear. Then put them back in their place. Allowing me to get on with what needs to happen. Giving me permission to live and get a little closer to the acceptance I always rant about.
Please remember this is just what gets ME through. I’m no doctor.
I will get to the point at which I can write a letter, but today
I don’t have anything for ya! You know what your parents always said,”If you don’t have anything nice to say….”