Lexapro

I can run (figure of speech) to the drugstore and refill my medication (anti-depression) as I’ve been out for two days! Listen people, I hate to sound like a drug pusher, but for me, that stuff really works.

Depression and Multiple Sclerosis
I thought I could never run out.

 

According to www.webmd.com/multiple-sclerosis/guide/ms-depression.

Depression is very common in people with multiple sclerosis (MS). In fact, symptoms of depression severe enough to require medical intervention affect up to half of all people with MS at some point during their illness.

• Sadness
• Loss of energy
• Feelings of hopelessness or worthlessness
• Loss of enjoyment from things that were once pleasurable
• Difficulty concentrating
• Uncontrollable crying
• Difficulty making decisions
• Irritability
• Increased need for sleep
• Inability to fall or stay asleep at night (insomnia)
• Unexplained aches and pains
• Stomachache and digestive problems
• Decreased sex drive
• Sexual problems
• Headache
• A change in appetite causing weight loss or gain
• Thoughts of death or suicide

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At times, I can check off too many of these symptoms. But my guess is… many of us can!
The question is… what do I do now?
For one, I can run (figure of speech) to the drugstore and refill my medication (anti-depression medicine) as I’ve been out of it for two days! Listen people, I hate to sound like a drug pusher, but for me, that stuff really works. One or two days without it and I’m lying in bed hiding my tears! On a good note I recently realized Walgreens now does three month prescriptions. This alone is life-changing. Remembering to mail off for refills is hard to say at the least.

Plus, apparently I really need it!

So, under the circumstances, I’m going to send my hubby to Walgreens (it’s open 24hrs) and keep myself busy folding these towels next to me!

It’s 2 am. • Inability to fall or stay asleep at night (insomnia) Check.

My next Laughter Yoga class is Saturday (flashback). I’ll let you know how it goes!

Until next time.

Lesions

Ankle-foot orthosis: A brace (usually plastic) worn on the lower leg and foot to support the ankle, hold the foot and ankle in the correct position, and correct foot-drop. Abbreviated AFO. Also known as a foot-drop brace. This visit my imagination was equipped with potential neurological instruments that I envisioned propelling me back into the land of “the walking.”

I went to see my neurologist. I’ve mentioned before how these visits are usually stress-ridden experiences, which again makes no sense, because at this point I AM living what was formerly my worst nightmare. Put in a different way, this horrendous dream has become my present day reality! Mind-blowing!

AFO (ankle-foot orthosis)
My first AFO (ankle-foot orthosis)

 

AFO
The beginnings of my custom AFO.

 

 

Ankle-foot orthosis: A brace (usually plastic) worn on the lower leg and foot to support the ankle, hold the foot and ankle in the correct position, and correct foot-drop. Abbreviated AFO. Also known as a foot-drop brace.

This visit my imagination was equipped with potential neurological instruments that I envisioned propelling me back into the land of  “the walking.”

These Bioengineered devices  like the WalkAide and the NESS L300 are legitimate, just not for me…not right now at least.

I’m the kind of lady that salesmen love. After all, I am a nurse with a sales mentality!

 

Okay, don’t fret. I still stand by my mantra of accepting new “normals,” but that doesn’t make things easier or smoother. (Click here.) Remember, it’s the transition into that normal that is the hardiest.

When I asked the doctor how many lesions (white splotches). I had on my brain and spinal cord and he responded with, “too many to count!”

I thought I would lose it right there on his exam table!

In the midst of my impending full blown mental breakdown, my husband once again pointed out, “The only difference between today and yesterday is the fact that you now know.” This is his go to rationalization, as he used it 11 years ago the day I was first diagnosed too!
Worked then and saved the day today too!

Which once again in an odd way, if right now I’m living with MY worst nightmare recently known as, “too many lesions to count.”

I guess I’m tolerating this new normal quite tenaciously.

Who knew?

 

The finished product...neat color! Ya think? This IS my new normal.
Dr.Lovera
Dr. Jesus Lovera of Louisiana State University Health Sciences Center in New Orleans, La

Clown tears

The Social Worker I see, knowing my personality, recommended Smokey’s lyrics when I asked her, “When should I get over my whole life turning upside down?”

Tears of a Clown by Smokey Robinson

Now if there’s a smile on my face
It’s only there trying to fool the public
But when it comes down to fooling you
Now honey that’s quite a different subject
But don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Really I’m sad, oh I’m sadder than sad
You’re gone and I’m hurtin’ so bad
Like a clown I pretend to be glad

Now there’s some sad things known to man
But ain’t too much sadder than
The tears of a clown, when there’s no one around
Uh hum, oh yeah baby

Now if I appear to be carefree
It’s only to camouflage my sadness
And honey to shield my pride I try
To cover this hurt with a show of gladness
But don’t let my show convince you
That I’ve been happy since you
Decided to go, oh I need you so
I’m hurt and I want you to know
But for others I put on a show, ooh yeah

Just like Pagliacci did
I try to keep my surface hid
Smiling in the public eye
But in my lonely room I cry
The tears of a clown
When there’s no one around, oh yeah, baby baby
Now if there’s a smile on my face
Don’t let my glad expression
Give you the wrong impression
Don’t let this smile I wear
Make you think that I don’t care

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“I’m not hurting due to lost love. I’ve lost myself.”

The Social Worker I see, knowing my personality, recommended Smokey’s lyrics when I asked her, “When should I get over my whole life turning upside down?”  She acknowledges my lost. It hurts. I can’t dress that up. Sometimes I get angry at whomever is in my path. I hate that my key chain only has one key–..to our residence. I’m jealous of those who can walk. I’m resentful of those who can work. Horrible I know.

 

But then like Smokey (We’re on a first name basis now.) says, “These are only times, fleeting moments.”  The majority of time you wouldn’t know the loss I live with, because I’m trying to move forward with it… in my back pocket!  I have to.

 

Unless you are my husband or my mama, no one sees these fragile moments. I do my best to hide them. Bury them. I do my best to deny them from myself too!!

 

It haven’t driven or worked full-time since 2009. Some say, “Big Woo. Get over it!!”  “Honestly, that sounds reasonable to me!  It’s just so hard.”

 

“So, when should a young, successful, childless, married women with a promising career and only opportunity ahead of her get over losing the things that matter most to her?

 

Her answer,

“You don’t. You adapt.” she said.

Damn. I knew that!!!!!!!!

 

MS WALK and Laughter Yoga

I took a minute to get my bearings together, and then remembered! The alarm was set for the National MS Society, Louisiana Chapter MS WALK! Yayy!

In the midst of a rather ironic dream, I mutter,

“What’s that noise?”

“It keeps getting louder.”

“Oh, It’s the alarm clock.” Irritated, because I haven’t set the alarm clock in over 2 years; against my own will, of course!

Beep!

I start fumbling now to at least turn it off. Two problems. I didn’t quite remember how to do that and the proficiency of my fine motor skills was questionable.

I’m still scratching the alarm. Tommy awakes and offers a customary cynical response, but he wasn’t complaining about the alarm. He was cracking a joke about my lack of knowing how to turn the alarm off.

Beeep!

I didn’t get it. Why wasn’t he complaining about the alarm?

I took a minute to get my bearings together, and then I remembered! The alarm was set for the National MS Society, Louisiana Chapter MS WALK! Yayy!

Beeeep!

I manage to turn the alarm off.

“I got to get up!” (It’s crazy to witness your life priorities totally change.)

We made it to the WALK, parked and started snapping pictures and talking to whomever would engage me. Abruptly, I was full of gratitude and awe. It’s hard to phantom so many people out here walking for loved ones with the same disease I fight daily.

park2
I love this!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I met this one lady walking for her newly diagnosed daughter. She began asking me how I was doing. Moments later, her glance reminded me of my mom’s when I first got diagnosed. She embodied a look of pure concern and heartfelt worry. I just may be full of myself (totally possible), but I think my spirited jovialness comforted her in some way. Besides, for any newly diagnosed person the wheelchair is their worst nightmare. Here I was posing the contrary.

 

Mingling
audobonpark
More mingling

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After, we left the WALK it was off to Laughter Yoga! Yes Laughter Yoga. It’s been on the local news. It’s great and there is science behind it. I know you remember endorphins and things from school.  There is a focus on breathing, but that’s the only similarity with mainstream yoga. The rest of the time we are just laughing. They say the benefits you get from laughter are the same regardless if it sincere or not. You can learn more at http://www.lifenola.com/.

As a part of my own denial process I insisted on standing as long as I could, but to my chagrin, shortly afterwards I was face down on the cement. Everyone quickly rallied to my side, lifted me up, and I said, “I laughed so hard I fell to my knees.” Then everyone followed suit and let off an honorary round of laughter for me!

LIFE: yoga + boutique (Video) Press this link to get a peep of our class!